Monday, March 03, 2003
Another great entry from Scrappleface:
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Top Headlines... :: Powell Continues 'Saber Rattling' in Pakistan Interview
:: Daschle Demands Release of Top Al Qaeda Operative
:: Blix Blames Plagiarized Document for His False Optimism
:: Clinton Jury Duty Campaign Gets Strong Start
:: 9th Circuit Court Solves 'Under God' Debacle
March 03, 2003
Powell Continues 'Saber Rattling' in Pakistan Interview
(2003-03-03) -- U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell continued his "bellicose, saber-rattling rhetoric" in an interview with Radio Pakistan this weekend, according to a spokesman for the organization of peace-loving intellectuals, Win Without War.
Here are some excerpts from Mr. Powell's interview, followed by the Win Without War (WOW) interpretations of what he meant:
-- What Powell said: "We believe that war should be avoided, and we have been trying to avoid a war."
What Powell meant: We are so thirsty for Iraqi blood I can't see straight. We must spill the blood of innocents, now!
-- What Powell said: "The United States does not want to go to war."
What Powell meant: It's all about oil. If we can just get the Iraqi oil we'll be satisfied...for a while, anyway. When that runs out, we invade Russia. It's so much easier to spend billions on a war to get oil than it is to just buy it from eager sellers.
--What Powell said:"...such conflict would be conducted in a way to minimize any damage or loss of life as much as possible, considering it is a conflict."
What Powell meant: We'll be targetting the hospitals and elementary schools first in order to inflict maximum damage on unarmed civilians. We learned this from Saddam himself, and since it seems to have earned him the respect of some on the Security Council, we thought we would try it.
-- What Powell said: "...we are committed to the integrity of Iraq. We do not want to see Iraq break up into pieces..."
What Powell meant: Our plan is to subdivide Iraq into 100-square-mile plots on which we'll build tract houses and shopping malls. Then we'll empty our crowded inner cities, shipping all their residents to our new 51 state, which we'll call Eerack.
-- What Powell said: "We come to help, we come to protect. We do not come to take life. We come to give better life to people of the nations that we have found it necessary to go and help."
What Powell meant: We are a warrior nation, bent on conquest. We dream of the day when the sun never sets on the American empire.
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
March 02, 2003
Daschle Demands Release of Top Al Qaeda Operative
(2003-03-02) -- U.S. Sen. Tom Daschle, D-SD, today demanded the release of al Qaeda's top planner, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, who was captured yesterday in Pakistan. Sen. Daschle said if Mr. Mohammed were not released, the United States would have to attack Iraq.
"We Democrats have been saying that attacking Iraq is a bad idea since it distracts from the war on terror," said the Senator. "But if we continue to capture al Qaeda members, then Americans will think that we can do both at the same time. We must release this man immediately."
Sen. Daschle went on to talk about the horrifying results of any U.S. war on Iraq. When asked by a reporter if he meant that the U.S. would lose the war, he said "No, you fool, I mean we won't win back the White House in 2004."
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (19) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
March 01, 2003
Blix Blames Plagiarized Document for His False Optimism
(2003-03-01) -- Chief United Nations weapons inspector Hans Blix retracted a statement he made last month that Iraq appears to be "making an effort" to comply with U.N. resolutions.
He blamed his error on a report from a subordinate that was apparently 'plagiarized' from an earlier work by a Jewish writer identified as Jonah ben Ammittai.
The report indicated that the Iraqi ruler had a change of heart and had ordered his people to do the right thing.
The information actually came from Mr. ben Amittai's eponymous Bible book of Jonah, and related to the King of Nineveh, a city in the land that is now Iraq.
The unnamed U.N. staffer who submitted the document to Mr. Blix said, "I just thought Hans would be intrigued by the similarities. Imagine my surprise when I heard his statement that Saddam was making an effort."
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
Clinton Jury Duty Campaign Gets Strong Start
(2003-03-01) -- A couple of years ago, he was the most powerful man in the world, now William Jefferson Clinton is just Prospective Juror No. 142 in a Manhattan federal court.
But that hasn't stopped Citizen Clinton from leaping into the opportunity with the zeal that has marked his political career.
Speaking at a fundraiser last night for his 'Jury Duty Campaign 2003,' the New York resident said, "I have a vision for this jury that's bigger than any one man's ambitions."
A Jury Duty Campaign spokesman said Mr. Clinton has already raised $1.3 million to compensate him for the time he'll spend carefully weighing the evidence, challenging the definitions of words and assuring that "justice rolls down like waters" for defendant Dushon Foster.
Mr. Foster stands accused of attempted murder in an alleged gang shooting.
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
February 28, 2003
9th Circuit Court Solves 'Under God' Debacle
(2003-02-28) -- The U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals announced a solution to the Pledge of Allegiance case which would not force atheists to recite the pledge, nor compel monotheists to forego the phrase "under God."
In a three-page decision, the Court ruled that "since the federal government cannot impose religious beliefs on citizens, and citizens have a perfect right to acknowledge their Divine Creator, the court rules that the Federal government must immediately and rapidly divest itself from the massive network of local schools."
The ruling calls on Congress to "disband the system of tax-funded, government-regulated schooling."
Atheist Michael Newdow filed the initial lawsuit to protect his avowedly-Christian daughter from having to say "under God" in school.
"I'm so excited," said Mr. Newdow. "This ruling is the answer to all of our prayers."
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (45) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
Dan Rather Was Donor for 1st Face Transplant
(2003-02-28) -- CBS News reporter Dan Rather, just back from his exclusive interview with Saddam Hussein, disclosed today that he was the donor for the world's first face transplant surgery.
"I really don't want to make a big deal about it," said Mr. Rather. "The patient needed the face. I had an extra one. End of story."
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (17) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
Maine Teacher Shock: Soldiers Went to Public School
(2003-02-28) -- Public school teachers in Maine were shocked to learn yesterday that most soldiers stationed near Iraq were educated in public schools. The startling revelation comes after some teachers allegedly told children that their military parents' service is unethical.
"We're baffled," said one unnamed teacher. "We spent years teaching them that all war is unethical, and then they go off and enlist in the Army."
A spokesman for the National Education Association blamed bad parenting for large numbers of public school graduates in the military.
"You can only do so much in seven hours per day, for 180 days per year for 12 years," she said. "Apparently we often can't overcome the influence of the parents' ignorance and immorality."
Drag link onto Home button to make ScrappleFace your Home Page.
Top Headlines... :: Powell Continues 'Saber Rattling' in Pakistan Interview
:: Daschle Demands Release of Top Al Qaeda Operative
:: Blix Blames Plagiarized Document for His False Optimism
:: Clinton Jury Duty Campaign Gets Strong Start
:: 9th Circuit Court Solves 'Under God' Debacle
March 03, 2003
Powell Continues 'Saber Rattling' in Pakistan Interview
(2003-03-03) -- U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell continued his "bellicose, saber-rattling rhetoric" in an interview with Radio Pakistan this weekend, according to a spokesman for the organization of peace-loving intellectuals, Win Without War.
Here are some excerpts from Mr. Powell's interview, followed by the Win Without War (WOW) interpretations of what he meant:
-- What Powell said: "We believe that war should be avoided, and we have been trying to avoid a war."
What Powell meant: We are so thirsty for Iraqi blood I can't see straight. We must spill the blood of innocents, now!
-- What Powell said: "The United States does not want to go to war."
What Powell meant: It's all about oil. If we can just get the Iraqi oil we'll be satisfied...for a while, anyway. When that runs out, we invade Russia. It's so much easier to spend billions on a war to get oil than it is to just buy it from eager sellers.
--What Powell said:"...such conflict would be conducted in a way to minimize any damage or loss of life as much as possible, considering it is a conflict."
What Powell meant: We'll be targetting the hospitals and elementary schools first in order to inflict maximum damage on unarmed civilians. We learned this from Saddam himself, and since it seems to have earned him the respect of some on the Security Council, we thought we would try it.
-- What Powell said: "...we are committed to the integrity of Iraq. We do not want to see Iraq break up into pieces..."
What Powell meant: Our plan is to subdivide Iraq into 100-square-mile plots on which we'll build tract houses and shopping malls. Then we'll empty our crowded inner cities, shipping all their residents to our new 51 state, which we'll call Eerack.
-- What Powell said: "We come to help, we come to protect. We do not come to take life. We come to give better life to people of the nations that we have found it necessary to go and help."
What Powell meant: We are a warrior nation, bent on conquest. We dream of the day when the sun never sets on the American empire.
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
March 02, 2003
Daschle Demands Release of Top Al Qaeda Operative
(2003-03-02) -- U.S. Sen. Tom Daschle, D-SD, today demanded the release of al Qaeda's top planner, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, who was captured yesterday in Pakistan. Sen. Daschle said if Mr. Mohammed were not released, the United States would have to attack Iraq.
"We Democrats have been saying that attacking Iraq is a bad idea since it distracts from the war on terror," said the Senator. "But if we continue to capture al Qaeda members, then Americans will think that we can do both at the same time. We must release this man immediately."
Sen. Daschle went on to talk about the horrifying results of any U.S. war on Iraq. When asked by a reporter if he meant that the U.S. would lose the war, he said "No, you fool, I mean we won't win back the White House in 2004."
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (19) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
March 01, 2003
Blix Blames Plagiarized Document for His False Optimism
(2003-03-01) -- Chief United Nations weapons inspector Hans Blix retracted a statement he made last month that Iraq appears to be "making an effort" to comply with U.N. resolutions.
He blamed his error on a report from a subordinate that was apparently 'plagiarized' from an earlier work by a Jewish writer identified as Jonah ben Ammittai.
The report indicated that the Iraqi ruler had a change of heart and had ordered his people to do the right thing.
The information actually came from Mr. ben Amittai's eponymous Bible book of Jonah, and related to the King of Nineveh, a city in the land that is now Iraq.
The unnamed U.N. staffer who submitted the document to Mr. Blix said, "I just thought Hans would be intrigued by the similarities. Imagine my surprise when I heard his statement that Saddam was making an effort."
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (12) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
Clinton Jury Duty Campaign Gets Strong Start
(2003-03-01) -- A couple of years ago, he was the most powerful man in the world, now William Jefferson Clinton is just Prospective Juror No. 142 in a Manhattan federal court.
But that hasn't stopped Citizen Clinton from leaping into the opportunity with the zeal that has marked his political career.
Speaking at a fundraiser last night for his 'Jury Duty Campaign 2003,' the New York resident said, "I have a vision for this jury that's bigger than any one man's ambitions."
A Jury Duty Campaign spokesman said Mr. Clinton has already raised $1.3 million to compensate him for the time he'll spend carefully weighing the evidence, challenging the definitions of words and assuring that "justice rolls down like waters" for defendant Dushon Foster.
Mr. Foster stands accused of attempted murder in an alleged gang shooting.
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
February 28, 2003
9th Circuit Court Solves 'Under God' Debacle
(2003-02-28) -- The U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals announced a solution to the Pledge of Allegiance case which would not force atheists to recite the pledge, nor compel monotheists to forego the phrase "under God."
In a three-page decision, the Court ruled that "since the federal government cannot impose religious beliefs on citizens, and citizens have a perfect right to acknowledge their Divine Creator, the court rules that the Federal government must immediately and rapidly divest itself from the massive network of local schools."
The ruling calls on Congress to "disband the system of tax-funded, government-regulated schooling."
Atheist Michael Newdow filed the initial lawsuit to protect his avowedly-Christian daughter from having to say "under God" in school.
"I'm so excited," said Mr. Newdow. "This ruling is the answer to all of our prayers."
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (45) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
Dan Rather Was Donor for 1st Face Transplant
(2003-02-28) -- CBS News reporter Dan Rather, just back from his exclusive interview with Saddam Hussein, disclosed today that he was the donor for the world's first face transplant surgery.
"I really don't want to make a big deal about it," said Mr. Rather. "The patient needed the face. I had an extra one. End of story."
by Scott Ott | Permalink | Comments (17) | TrackBack (0) | AIM This | Email Story | Top
Maine Teacher Shock: Soldiers Went to Public School
(2003-02-28) -- Public school teachers in Maine were shocked to learn yesterday that most soldiers stationed near Iraq were educated in public schools. The startling revelation comes after some teachers allegedly told children that their military parents' service is unethical.
"We're baffled," said one unnamed teacher. "We spent years teaching them that all war is unethical, and then they go off and enlist in the Army."
A spokesman for the National Education Association blamed bad parenting for large numbers of public school graduates in the military.
"You can only do so much in seven hours per day, for 180 days per year for 12 years," she said. "Apparently we often can't overcome the influence of the parents' ignorance and immorality."
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