Sunday, November 30, 2003
Welcome to Highered Intelligence!
Welcome to Highered Intelligence!: "MODELED BEHAVIOR: Joanne Jacobs points us towards this article about 'Relationship' classes now being taught in high schools and colleges. They are apparently bland and benign:
O.K. now I'm going to show you how to complain,' says Marline Pearson to a class of 15 unusually attentive college students. Pearson, a sociologist, is teaching a course called Couples Relationships at Madison Area Technical College in Madison, Wis. When one of her students mentions that her boyfriend is always, like, falling asleep when they're supposed to do stuff, Pearson seizes what feels like a teachable moment. She suggests the student zero in on a specific time when her boyfriend dozed off and tell him how it made her feel. 'Stay away from 'You always' and 'You never,'' she advises. 'Even if you think the person does it always.'
* * * *
'There's a great hunger for understanding relationships, not just body parts,' says Sarah Brown, president of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. 'Young people tell us they're almost drowning in information about AIDS, condoms, pregnancy. But they want to know, 'How do I break up with my boyfriend without hurting his feelings?''
Well the short answer is that (usually) you don't, so you should probably give it up right now. There are ways to minimize the damage, but they usually require actually understanding the person rather than running them through a pre-scripted model of interaction.
Maybe some people do need a course to tell them to use 'I phrases' not 'You phrases.' I mean, there's a time and a place for each, but if you're entirely incapable of exercising the judgment needed to decide which to use, you're probably better off just following the 'use I phrases" rule. You'll make more friends and influence more people, as it is said.
But really, there are a lot of different ways to interact with people, and every person with whom you are in a relationship is going to be different, and is going to require new tactics. You will have to learn; you will have to adapt. But all along you must treat that person as their own person. They are not an interchangeable component of your life. They don't just "fit" into the relationship slot.
A relationship is necessarily composed of at least two people. It is a separate and distinct noun, however, both linguistically and metaphysically. A relationship is a greater combination of its component parts, and acquires characteristics based on those of its component parts and how they interact.
In other words, every relationship is different. Even between the same people, as the people change over time, so does the relationship. This reality, hyper-contextual as it is, should not be subject to the Procrustean theorizing of pop psychologists.
I've touched on this subject before, and I believe that I expressed my feelings most adequately there:
But I really can't stand formalized programs of human development. I reserve a special level of hell, just between the Malebolge and and throne of Lucifer himself, for people who talk like they were an article in Cosmo or Readers' Digest. You know the type.
* * * *
My point is that programs and formulas are all well and good if you're a dog and need to learn how to sit. But there's no replacement for doing the work a little at a time, building your life from the ground up instead of buying the prefabricated model.
More important than studying how to "deal with relationships" is studying what it means to be a good person and to respect the individuality of your fellow humans, including those with whom you choose to have romantic relationships"
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If this really worked, wouldn't it mean we could manipulate everyone around us? I wish real human beings were so predictable..........hah!
O.K. now I'm going to show you how to complain,' says Marline Pearson to a class of 15 unusually attentive college students. Pearson, a sociologist, is teaching a course called Couples Relationships at Madison Area Technical College in Madison, Wis. When one of her students mentions that her boyfriend is always, like, falling asleep when they're supposed to do stuff, Pearson seizes what feels like a teachable moment. She suggests the student zero in on a specific time when her boyfriend dozed off and tell him how it made her feel. 'Stay away from 'You always' and 'You never,'' she advises. 'Even if you think the person does it always.'
* * * *
'There's a great hunger for understanding relationships, not just body parts,' says Sarah Brown, president of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. 'Young people tell us they're almost drowning in information about AIDS, condoms, pregnancy. But they want to know, 'How do I break up with my boyfriend without hurting his feelings?''
Well the short answer is that (usually) you don't, so you should probably give it up right now. There are ways to minimize the damage, but they usually require actually understanding the person rather than running them through a pre-scripted model of interaction.
Maybe some people do need a course to tell them to use 'I phrases' not 'You phrases.' I mean, there's a time and a place for each, but if you're entirely incapable of exercising the judgment needed to decide which to use, you're probably better off just following the 'use I phrases" rule. You'll make more friends and influence more people, as it is said.
But really, there are a lot of different ways to interact with people, and every person with whom you are in a relationship is going to be different, and is going to require new tactics. You will have to learn; you will have to adapt. But all along you must treat that person as their own person. They are not an interchangeable component of your life. They don't just "fit" into the relationship slot.
A relationship is necessarily composed of at least two people. It is a separate and distinct noun, however, both linguistically and metaphysically. A relationship is a greater combination of its component parts, and acquires characteristics based on those of its component parts and how they interact.
In other words, every relationship is different. Even between the same people, as the people change over time, so does the relationship. This reality, hyper-contextual as it is, should not be subject to the Procrustean theorizing of pop psychologists.
I've touched on this subject before, and I believe that I expressed my feelings most adequately there:
But I really can't stand formalized programs of human development. I reserve a special level of hell, just between the Malebolge and and throne of Lucifer himself, for people who talk like they were an article in Cosmo or Readers' Digest. You know the type.
* * * *
My point is that programs and formulas are all well and good if you're a dog and need to learn how to sit. But there's no replacement for doing the work a little at a time, building your life from the ground up instead of buying the prefabricated model.
More important than studying how to "deal with relationships" is studying what it means to be a good person and to respect the individuality of your fellow humans, including those with whom you choose to have romantic relationships"
------------
If this really worked, wouldn't it mean we could manipulate everyone around us? I wish real human beings were so predictable..........hah!
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