Saturday, January 01, 2011
January 1
It is the start of a brand new year. A year I totally never expected to be what it already is. The first year on this earth without Mom. But I know mentally she is in a better place but emotionally I miss her like hell. We (Dad and I) are coping as best we respectively can. I am still learning to let myself not feel like all of the responsibility it still on me. But I will get there.
I am already doing better at focusing on one task at a time. Most importantly, I am acknowledging that I cannot do everything all of the time. And, not taking time out to have some fun and be with friends does not make Kelly a fun person to be around. So, I deserve the non-work/non-responsibility parts of life that everyone else enjoys on a regular basis.
I read the papers and presentations that will be part of one session that I chair at one of our annual professional conferences later this week. I chair sessions each of the last two mornings. Of course, I much prefer to present at the beginning of a conference than at the end. But, the timing will allow us to take the direct flights each day and the return flight from Boston is at dinnertime, anyway. It may mean spending the night in KC if we are too tired when we return but, since I can't pick up Molly until the next morning, that will be fine.
I have finished everything I can do for my taxes until the official paperwork starts arriving in the mail later this month. This is definitely the first time I have been this far ahead. And I have a better feel for balancing out my spending this year from the get go. Changing accountants was definitely one of the positives that came out of a tragic situation.
As I reflected today, I wondered if I still want it to be the Christmas season because, as long as it is, it will not be the anniversary of Mom's heart attack, death, and funeral. I am so glad Dad will be gone with friends on a cruise for the final part. And we will get to spend an evening out in Kansas City the night before he leaves on the train. It will give both of us a chance to connect with mom's friends there. Her best one was dealing with our own husband's lengthy illness and ultimate death and was unable to make it. She was and is always so cheerful. We will definitely have a good time meeting up with her. And, our work with teachers the next day as Dad is already a few states away on the train will be fun - especially with our guest speaker coming in. I hope to stay to do some research the next day at the National Archives - some great records I want to look at.
I should have an easier time this upcoming semester getting in my hours. I am not sure all the people that think they have to know realize I spent more hours than I was supposed to do - primarily by needing to come up on days I did not have office hours. But I have moved from Mon/Wed/Thurs to Mon/Thurs/Fri given that we have department meetings every Friday.
I was getting a good start on my writing a few days ago and will dig in more the next few days before we go on our trip. The only two sessions I have to go to are the ones I am chairing and that is simply all I have to get done.
I imagine there will be some correspondence with Newark on two fronts given that everyone is 'back on duty' on Monday. It will be nice to solidify some things. And, in many ways, tomorrow is a work day for me.
I caught up with some old family friends today and, as a result, Molly has a new canine pal.
I linked my Slideshare account to my LinkedIn account and encouraged my fellow presenters to do so the same.
I am so glad that the university does not start classes again until AFTER Martin Luther King, Jr's, birthday this year. It just makes sense and gives faculty almost another week to do research/writing.
Happy New Year!
I am already doing better at focusing on one task at a time. Most importantly, I am acknowledging that I cannot do everything all of the time. And, not taking time out to have some fun and be with friends does not make Kelly a fun person to be around. So, I deserve the non-work/non-responsibility parts of life that everyone else enjoys on a regular basis.
I read the papers and presentations that will be part of one session that I chair at one of our annual professional conferences later this week. I chair sessions each of the last two mornings. Of course, I much prefer to present at the beginning of a conference than at the end. But, the timing will allow us to take the direct flights each day and the return flight from Boston is at dinnertime, anyway. It may mean spending the night in KC if we are too tired when we return but, since I can't pick up Molly until the next morning, that will be fine.
I have finished everything I can do for my taxes until the official paperwork starts arriving in the mail later this month. This is definitely the first time I have been this far ahead. And I have a better feel for balancing out my spending this year from the get go. Changing accountants was definitely one of the positives that came out of a tragic situation.
As I reflected today, I wondered if I still want it to be the Christmas season because, as long as it is, it will not be the anniversary of Mom's heart attack, death, and funeral. I am so glad Dad will be gone with friends on a cruise for the final part. And we will get to spend an evening out in Kansas City the night before he leaves on the train. It will give both of us a chance to connect with mom's friends there. Her best one was dealing with our own husband's lengthy illness and ultimate death and was unable to make it. She was and is always so cheerful. We will definitely have a good time meeting up with her. And, our work with teachers the next day as Dad is already a few states away on the train will be fun - especially with our guest speaker coming in. I hope to stay to do some research the next day at the National Archives - some great records I want to look at.
I should have an easier time this upcoming semester getting in my hours. I am not sure all the people that think they have to know realize I spent more hours than I was supposed to do - primarily by needing to come up on days I did not have office hours. But I have moved from Mon/Wed/Thurs to Mon/Thurs/Fri given that we have department meetings every Friday.
I was getting a good start on my writing a few days ago and will dig in more the next few days before we go on our trip. The only two sessions I have to go to are the ones I am chairing and that is simply all I have to get done.
I imagine there will be some correspondence with Newark on two fronts given that everyone is 'back on duty' on Monday. It will be nice to solidify some things. And, in many ways, tomorrow is a work day for me.
I caught up with some old family friends today and, as a result, Molly has a new canine pal.
I linked my Slideshare account to my LinkedIn account and encouraged my fellow presenters to do so the same.
I am so glad that the university does not start classes again until AFTER Martin Luther King, Jr's, birthday this year. It just makes sense and gives faculty almost another week to do research/writing.
Happy New Year!
Labels: Dad, Happy New Year, holidays, Molly, Mom, school
Sunday, April 18, 2010
The Ride Continues
The roller coaster ride continues.
Dad is no longer mayor and is off on a fishing trip with "the guys". That will be good for him. He's also letting people know he doesn't have a schedule and he's not going to make one.
I am gradually catching up at work but not as fast as I'd like. I just don't seem to be able to concentrate enough to grade. But, a month from now, grades will be submitted and it will all be done no matter what.
I feel stuck in suspended animation but keep trying to take small steps forward.
Dad is no longer mayor and is off on a fishing trip with "the guys". That will be good for him. He's also letting people know he doesn't have a schedule and he's not going to make one.
I am gradually catching up at work but not as fast as I'd like. I just don't seem to be able to concentrate enough to grade. But, a month from now, grades will be submitted and it will all be done no matter what.
I feel stuck in suspended animation but keep trying to take small steps forward.
Labels: Dad, death, dying, Mom
Monday, April 12, 2010
Roller Coaster
Last week showed me up close and personal that the grieving process is a roller coaster ride. I was hoping it was a steady climb up after spending more than a month at the bottom but, once again, I was proven wrong. My mother kept the family glued together in ways I discovered I couldn't even imagine and it's much harder than I realized. And I was knocked to the ground in a way I didn't expect last week and am still processing. I can attest to family members taking their grief out one another no matter how much they love each other. And personality characteristics you are aware of mentally are no less difficult to deal with emotionally when they actually manifest themselves.
Dad just lost a friend after a 3-month battle with cancer. Attending a funeral at the same church with the same children's choir and the same songs was very hard on him but also a part of his grieving process - that first is out of the way.
Work is still more difficult than I imagined but I am taking it step by step. That's the only thing I know to do - especially when it is more often than I like steps backward rather than forward. The end of the semester cannot come soon enough.
Dad just lost a friend after a 3-month battle with cancer. Attending a funeral at the same church with the same children's choir and the same songs was very hard on him but also a part of his grieving process - that first is out of the way.
Work is still more difficult than I imagined but I am taking it step by step. That's the only thing I know to do - especially when it is more often than I like steps backward rather than forward. The end of the semester cannot come soon enough.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Still With Us
The good news is that Mom is still with us. The ear, nose, and throat doctor wasn't available on Sunday and wasn't coming into the hospital on Monday so the nurse took some pre-emptive action to stop the bleeding in her mouth. They discovered it was coming from the tubes in her nose. Smoking also makes the sinuses delicate.
She was partly awake more than once yesterday. It cheered Dad's soul to see her eye's open and have her squeeze his hand and move around. I kept telling her the tubes were temporary. The nurse said that she won't remember the last time she was awake each time she wakes up. And, Marcia told me that based on her experience you know who has come to see you but your are also hallucinating. After her wreck, she thought people were coming to see her in Mexico.
A large group came in last night with another heart attack victim. They were all good people and luckily had mostly well-behaved children in contrast to the other group. I did talk to the Service Excellence Director yesterday about the continuously loud cartoons on both the DVD and the personal DVD player blaring into the room. Given that this is the most critical ICU unit, we need occasional peace and quiet. He stated that no children should be there and even if they had permission, as soon as someone complained, they were gone. We did finally see security more than once yesterday without calling them.
Some of my students took it upon themselves not to show up for class yesterday to turn in their first lesson plans. What their friends forgot to tell them about my notices to the online classes was that although there had been a family emergency, deadlines remained the same. The department secretary even went downstairs to collect their work so they didn't have to walk up to the office but they never showed up. They weren't on the highest road to begin with this semester. I'm certainly not in the mood to suffer fools gladly but it doesn't surprised me that this crew took it upon themselves to make the wrong decision without the wrong information.
Dad finally got some sleep last night - I was certainly getting worried about his not sleeping - esp. when day before yesterday it was too loud in here to even cat nap. I'm hoping to get him out of the hospital at some point today. But I certainly am glad he is sleeping at home and gradually processing the upcoming changes. This morning he was discussing Mom's moving her bed downstairs since obviously going up and down stairs won't be in her repetoire for awhile.
She was partly awake more than once yesterday. It cheered Dad's soul to see her eye's open and have her squeeze his hand and move around. I kept telling her the tubes were temporary. The nurse said that she won't remember the last time she was awake each time she wakes up. And, Marcia told me that based on her experience you know who has come to see you but your are also hallucinating. After her wreck, she thought people were coming to see her in Mexico.
A large group came in last night with another heart attack victim. They were all good people and luckily had mostly well-behaved children in contrast to the other group. I did talk to the Service Excellence Director yesterday about the continuously loud cartoons on both the DVD and the personal DVD player blaring into the room. Given that this is the most critical ICU unit, we need occasional peace and quiet. He stated that no children should be there and even if they had permission, as soon as someone complained, they were gone. We did finally see security more than once yesterday without calling them.
Some of my students took it upon themselves not to show up for class yesterday to turn in their first lesson plans. What their friends forgot to tell them about my notices to the online classes was that although there had been a family emergency, deadlines remained the same. The department secretary even went downstairs to collect their work so they didn't have to walk up to the office but they never showed up. They weren't on the highest road to begin with this semester. I'm certainly not in the mood to suffer fools gladly but it doesn't surprised me that this crew took it upon themselves to make the wrong decision without the wrong information.
Dad finally got some sleep last night - I was certainly getting worried about his not sleeping - esp. when day before yesterday it was too loud in here to even cat nap. I'm hoping to get him out of the hospital at some point today. But I certainly am glad he is sleeping at home and gradually processing the upcoming changes. This morning he was discussing Mom's moving her bed downstairs since obviously going up and down stairs won't be in her repetoire for awhile.
Labels: Dad, heart attack, ICU, Mom, teaching, wating room
Sunday, June 15, 2008
The Weekend
This was a fabulous weekend - busy but fun - all the things a weekend is supposed to be.
We celebrated Father's Day last night at Bijan's in Springfield. Sam and I bought Dad a larger GPS unit to replace the one he lost. He spent quite a bit of time today playing with it.
Today I worked in the yard and cleaned the car from top to bottom and actually started packing for the four days in Kansas City with the first week of our summer institute. Molly and I also went out to the humane society to deliver papers. They had 3 of the cutest little shitzu's - the older black one had a tongue hanging out that as just adorable.
We celebrated Father's Day last night at Bijan's in Springfield. Sam and I bought Dad a larger GPS unit to replace the one he lost. He spent quite a bit of time today playing with it.
Today I worked in the yard and cleaned the car from top to bottom and actually started packing for the four days in Kansas City with the first week of our summer institute. Molly and I also went out to the humane society to deliver papers. They had 3 of the cutest little shitzu's - the older black one had a tongue hanging out that as just adorable.
Labels: Dad, Father's Day, humane society, Molly, weekend
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Saturday am
Surprise, surprise, it's raining again. I did get two big projects off the list with one bigger one that needs to be done by Monday. Of course, I've already taken on another new adventure but it doesn't start for another month. Opportunities are finally presenting themselves and I can pick and choose (if I let myself) and I really enjoy some of the projects. Of course, I still need a personal assistant to keep me organized and to proofread for me. :-)
I worked on canning beets and attempting make some jam again. (I'm starting to think I'll just buy the homemade jams at the farmers markets). I went to a nearby town's farmers' market yesterday and the crowd almost made me feel like I was in Manhattan (notice I said almost). There are some Asian farmers who add some interesting things to the mix. However, the Saturday market at the same location is much more civil and enjoyable.
The rain let-up for long enough for me to quickly mow the fenced-in back yard before it started sprinkling again. My wonderful neighbor had earlier mowed most of the rest of it during our small window of opportunity before two more days of rain.
My little dog Shadow went for his check-up yesterday and signs of his decline - he's almost 15 - are increasing. I think Sadie Bess was older when I adopted her but I didn't know the signs I was looking for. After talking to Dr. Peterson yesterday, I am noticing more indications not just of lack of hearing and sight but lack of cognitive processing. Shadow's never been one to play with toys but he didn't react at all to the various "tests" Doc gave him yesterday.
Shadow gets groomed at the vet and he said that he would be glad to check him out whenever I brought him for a haircut and I will gladly pay for that. I want to make sure Shadow is comfortable.
I started mourning a bit yesterday given that the Shadow I've known for over 12 years is slipping away. But I have to remind myself that is part of the life process. I had been thinking the day before that this time next year, there was a good chance Shadow wouldn't be with me anymore. I also plan not to take any long overseas extended trips while he's still around. I've been traveling overseas for the last 7 years at least once a year so a one-year-hiatus won't big of a deal - especially given all the travel I do in the states. Luckily, I have a great dogsitter.
I tried to play with Shadow the other day- getting down on the floor and getting him to run around and he didn't respond as usual. I can now look back and see gradual patterns of him having longer intervals between some of his usual behaviors. He has never been any type of retriever anyway - he would go after things and then look at me like "what am I supposed to do with this?" And he's found a safe spot in the back yard in the mulch under one of the bushes.
However, I also remember that it hasn't been that long since he tried to run away when he was loose at the farm. On the other hand, I need to be even more vigilant about that given his decreasing ability to find his way home. It make sense when he got loose on the ice this winter that he was in pursuit of food (he at least found some animal entrails given his "output" a month later) and wasn't worried about getting home. Even then I knew he couldn't hear me calling him even if he wanted to.
On a personal note, it's another loss because I always thought I would be married with kids before I lost Shadow. However, those two things really are not as connected as my mind made them.
And I have to remind myself that with all of my computer work at home and my taking him on errands and on trips that aren't on planes, he has had a high quality of life - especially compared to a household where the owners are gone 10 hours a day Monday-Friday.
I do hope to ensure that my next dog is amenable to the doggie day care group settings (Shadow was too old when they came about and would have been a victim of the pack mentality rather than part of it). Especially with my trips to Kansas City, there are several options.
This process will be a good life lesson for me. As Mom reminded me, I need to just enjoy him and not worry about when he is going. This morning was a good example - I remember the YEARS he jumped out of bed every morning by 6 or so. Luckily, now, he sleeps in even when I have to get up for a few minutes.
I didn't mean to write about this today but this is a good part of blogging - the thoughts that come out as you are writing.
I'm going to work on big project and then am going out with a friend for dinner. Monday is full of NARA events in Springfield and then Wednesday will be festive with Mom. Dad has taken off out west in the motor home for the week - something he hasn't been able to do in awhile. I think he's looking forward to the time away. He spent all of his working life without an office he had to report to every day from 8 to 5 and even the morning sessions at city hall are wearing on him - not to mention the non-stop cell phone calls. Too many big events are going on.
OK, back to work for me.
I worked on canning beets and attempting make some jam again. (I'm starting to think I'll just buy the homemade jams at the farmers markets). I went to a nearby town's farmers' market yesterday and the crowd almost made me feel like I was in Manhattan (notice I said almost). There are some Asian farmers who add some interesting things to the mix. However, the Saturday market at the same location is much more civil and enjoyable.
The rain let-up for long enough for me to quickly mow the fenced-in back yard before it started sprinkling again. My wonderful neighbor had earlier mowed most of the rest of it during our small window of opportunity before two more days of rain.
My little dog Shadow went for his check-up yesterday and signs of his decline - he's almost 15 - are increasing. I think Sadie Bess was older when I adopted her but I didn't know the signs I was looking for. After talking to Dr. Peterson yesterday, I am noticing more indications not just of lack of hearing and sight but lack of cognitive processing. Shadow's never been one to play with toys but he didn't react at all to the various "tests" Doc gave him yesterday.
Shadow gets groomed at the vet and he said that he would be glad to check him out whenever I brought him for a haircut and I will gladly pay for that. I want to make sure Shadow is comfortable.
I started mourning a bit yesterday given that the Shadow I've known for over 12 years is slipping away. But I have to remind myself that is part of the life process. I had been thinking the day before that this time next year, there was a good chance Shadow wouldn't be with me anymore. I also plan not to take any long overseas extended trips while he's still around. I've been traveling overseas for the last 7 years at least once a year so a one-year-hiatus won't big of a deal - especially given all the travel I do in the states. Luckily, I have a great dogsitter.
I tried to play with Shadow the other day- getting down on the floor and getting him to run around and he didn't respond as usual. I can now look back and see gradual patterns of him having longer intervals between some of his usual behaviors. He has never been any type of retriever anyway - he would go after things and then look at me like "what am I supposed to do with this?" And he's found a safe spot in the back yard in the mulch under one of the bushes.
However, I also remember that it hasn't been that long since he tried to run away when he was loose at the farm. On the other hand, I need to be even more vigilant about that given his decreasing ability to find his way home. It make sense when he got loose on the ice this winter that he was in pursuit of food (he at least found some animal entrails given his "output" a month later) and wasn't worried about getting home. Even then I knew he couldn't hear me calling him even if he wanted to.
On a personal note, it's another loss because I always thought I would be married with kids before I lost Shadow. However, those two things really are not as connected as my mind made them.
And I have to remind myself that with all of my computer work at home and my taking him on errands and on trips that aren't on planes, he has had a high quality of life - especially compared to a household where the owners are gone 10 hours a day Monday-Friday.
I do hope to ensure that my next dog is amenable to the doggie day care group settings (Shadow was too old when they came about and would have been a victim of the pack mentality rather than part of it). Especially with my trips to Kansas City, there are several options.
This process will be a good life lesson for me. As Mom reminded me, I need to just enjoy him and not worry about when he is going. This morning was a good example - I remember the YEARS he jumped out of bed every morning by 6 or so. Luckily, now, he sleeps in even when I have to get up for a few minutes.
I didn't mean to write about this today but this is a good part of blogging - the thoughts that come out as you are writing.
I'm going to work on big project and then am going out with a friend for dinner. Monday is full of NARA events in Springfield and then Wednesday will be festive with Mom. Dad has taken off out west in the motor home for the week - something he hasn't been able to do in awhile. I think he's looking forward to the time away. He spent all of his working life without an office he had to report to every day from 8 to 5 and even the morning sessions at city hall are wearing on him - not to mention the non-stop cell phone calls. Too many big events are going on.
OK, back to work for me.
Labels: beets, canning, Dad, projects, Shadow
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]