Saturday, April 23, 2011
April
April is almost over as is the spring semester and academic year.
I will certainly be glad when Mother's Day is behind us.
Dad is excited - his new car is on this side of the ocean and should be here in a couple of weeks.
We are celebrating Easter as a family this weekend - including eating with friends.
Learning to not worry about events beyond my control is still a huge challenge for me but becoming easier each day.
A friend pointed out that this period of grieving is harder because there is no adrenaline to push you through.
Finally, thank good for truly good friends and family. I couldn't make it without them.
I will certainly be glad when Mother's Day is behind us.
Dad is excited - his new car is on this side of the ocean and should be here in a couple of weeks.
We are celebrating Easter as a family this weekend - including eating with friends.
Learning to not worry about events beyond my control is still a huge challenge for me but becoming easier each day.
A friend pointed out that this period of grieving is harder because there is no adrenaline to push you through.
Finally, thank good for truly good friends and family. I couldn't make it without them.
Labels: family
Sunday, November 07, 2010
It's November
The election is over and we can now do more looking forward than looking back. There is still a great deal to "settle out" but I have confidence that Washington will do what it always does. Brownback will return to Kansas as governor and it will be interesting to see how he translates his DC experience back to Topeka politics, especially education and the economy.
A friend is re-entering the workforce after being at home with the kids, doing an infinite amount of volunteering, and being elected to the school board. It will be interesting to see what path she ultimately chooses. Right now she is overwhelmed with the possibilities of what she could do. It's another thing we have in common, we like to do lots of diverse tasks and not just focus in on one. Most importantly, it keeps it interesting and we don't have to worry about getting bored.
I'm gradually learning to do little things for myself (old habits are hard to break). It actually does help keep me more sane. A friend pushed some buttons way too hard last week and learned that I just don't take that any more no matter how well-intentioned the original impulses may be. And it did feel good. Only wished I had learned that about 35 years ago but there is still time to add it to my bag of reality tricks in dealing with real life.
This is travel month but I have, in many ways, looked forward to it. An important committee meeting with a new person at the organizational help who actually wants input from a diverse group of experts (I'm "user interface" meaning the average user not the expert user that already knows all of the descriptive terms surrounding what they are looking for.)
Later this week is a national conference which will primarily be an opportunity to catch up with research colleagues. With enrollment this week, I could not attend the early part of the more formal research part of the process. Because of my new chair, I have been allowed to return to providing more assistance to colleagues in helping advise students and it will be a nice change from all of the preventable emergencies showing up at the door. In general, students are having more trouble understanding that the guidelines they've heard several times by the time they get to me really do apply to them no matter what other plan they might have. But, as I contemplate this, I think it is more societal that they are used to everyone else taking care of them. Given the fact that they will be responsible for a countless number of young people in a short time, we have to find ways to help them get to where they need to be before they enter a classroom as the teacher instead of the students. They may involve a few hard lessons for some but tough times sometimes call for tough love. If they can't handle some of these guidelines, they really aren't ready to be in front of the classroom anyway. The lack of jobs, of course, is a whole other issue we are trying to prepare them for but, again, they won't really internalize it until they literally smack up against it. Even people in their 30s and 40s returning to school seem to think there is an increasing demand for teachers but I feel compelled to be realistic with them and let them make the call. To be fair, by the time they get to me, they are already committed to the decision - especially regarding student loans - so I just have to do my best to help them get where they want to be.
I'll come early from this conference to head to a groundbreaking ceremony for the nation's newest presidential library. Given my interest in what presidents do after they leave office, it will be intriguing to see it up close and personal.
Students will be turning in some big projects before Thanksgiving. Twenty-five years of teaching experience has shown that is it is a very good thing to get the draft version in and give them a chance to take a break from school (or at least a longer diversion) before they come back to it to revise and resubmit. Then, the end of the semester will be up on us.
On the personal front, it is still a roller coaster although I'm sometimes able to anticipate when it will get harder. We knew the holidays would be hard. And I have some associated guilt since I remember thinking "what if this is the last year we have Mom at Thanksgiving". I'm still working on banishing the guilty thoughts. She went out the way she wanted to - without causing too much trouble for anyone else. Dad is FINALLY (it's been more than eight months now) headed out on his big motor home trip. It will be good for him, especially after this week verbalizing how he's really missing Mom. I'm glad he realizes it won't be the same. Someone asked him if I was as good a cook as Mom and he let them know I'm better than most. They shouldn't have put him in that position in the first place, though. Mom was an unusually good cook in the first place and while I fare pretty well, his daughter's cooking is not his wife's.
We're paring down on some of the extras Mom used to bring and one of them I made for him at his house - candy apples - since when I tried to make them for the first Thanksgiving I hosted, I ruined a burner on my new stove when the pan full of sugar overflowed. Not a good input factor to getting everything else ready to go - especially Tom Turkey.
That reminds me that looking for a turkey was more challenging than expected. Last year, I ended up with one with out the "innards" and, in my world, the prepared gravy packet just doesn't cut it - especially since Mom's showing me how to take the meat off the neck that her Aunt Bertie loved just can't be replicated by the gravy packet. So, in my search this year, I discovered that Butterball is "holding back" it's complete turkeys and is pushing a very large (can you say hormones?) breast that is packaged to look like the whole turkey. I have a feeling some holiday cooks are going to be surprised when they open up their almost thawed package. Apparently, they are holding the full turkeys back from the grocery stores to sell this "new product". Luckily, the smaller town grocery store nearby had a real turkey with giblets included. It's about 2 pounds bigger than I would have liked but I picked it up while the "gettin' was good".
A few years ago, Dad mentioned that I would have "first dibs" at Christmas. Mom used to prepare the same large turkey feast Christmas Day - in addition to all the other Christmas responsibilities she had. He's gotten the message earlier rather than later that I will be happy to let my brother handle this one. As I anticipated, that means Dad will help him take care of it. But, as a friend told me, I can't work it all out for them. I can only set my boundaries.
In fact, I would actually at some point like to travel at the Christmas holiday given all the great deals you can get. I do think, however, that we will have one more Christmas in the family home. After that, all bets are off. It is quite a big place for Dad to be all by himself. And it will be especially lonely without Mom this winter.
I still find it difficult to offer him support without his shooting back that he is fine. But I will just offer occasionally - reminding him he can always call. I did remind him last week that although I really miss Mom, it is truly much harder on him. I think he just needs to hear that it's okay that he's facing a challenging time now.
And I have to remember that I am, too.
A friend is re-entering the workforce after being at home with the kids, doing an infinite amount of volunteering, and being elected to the school board. It will be interesting to see what path she ultimately chooses. Right now she is overwhelmed with the possibilities of what she could do. It's another thing we have in common, we like to do lots of diverse tasks and not just focus in on one. Most importantly, it keeps it interesting and we don't have to worry about getting bored.
I'm gradually learning to do little things for myself (old habits are hard to break). It actually does help keep me more sane. A friend pushed some buttons way too hard last week and learned that I just don't take that any more no matter how well-intentioned the original impulses may be. And it did feel good. Only wished I had learned that about 35 years ago but there is still time to add it to my bag of reality tricks in dealing with real life.
This is travel month but I have, in many ways, looked forward to it. An important committee meeting with a new person at the organizational help who actually wants input from a diverse group of experts (I'm "user interface" meaning the average user not the expert user that already knows all of the descriptive terms surrounding what they are looking for.)
Later this week is a national conference which will primarily be an opportunity to catch up with research colleagues. With enrollment this week, I could not attend the early part of the more formal research part of the process. Because of my new chair, I have been allowed to return to providing more assistance to colleagues in helping advise students and it will be a nice change from all of the preventable emergencies showing up at the door. In general, students are having more trouble understanding that the guidelines they've heard several times by the time they get to me really do apply to them no matter what other plan they might have. But, as I contemplate this, I think it is more societal that they are used to everyone else taking care of them. Given the fact that they will be responsible for a countless number of young people in a short time, we have to find ways to help them get to where they need to be before they enter a classroom as the teacher instead of the students. They may involve a few hard lessons for some but tough times sometimes call for tough love. If they can't handle some of these guidelines, they really aren't ready to be in front of the classroom anyway. The lack of jobs, of course, is a whole other issue we are trying to prepare them for but, again, they won't really internalize it until they literally smack up against it. Even people in their 30s and 40s returning to school seem to think there is an increasing demand for teachers but I feel compelled to be realistic with them and let them make the call. To be fair, by the time they get to me, they are already committed to the decision - especially regarding student loans - so I just have to do my best to help them get where they want to be.
I'll come early from this conference to head to a groundbreaking ceremony for the nation's newest presidential library. Given my interest in what presidents do after they leave office, it will be intriguing to see it up close and personal.
Students will be turning in some big projects before Thanksgiving. Twenty-five years of teaching experience has shown that is it is a very good thing to get the draft version in and give them a chance to take a break from school (or at least a longer diversion) before they come back to it to revise and resubmit. Then, the end of the semester will be up on us.
On the personal front, it is still a roller coaster although I'm sometimes able to anticipate when it will get harder. We knew the holidays would be hard. And I have some associated guilt since I remember thinking "what if this is the last year we have Mom at Thanksgiving". I'm still working on banishing the guilty thoughts. She went out the way she wanted to - without causing too much trouble for anyone else. Dad is FINALLY (it's been more than eight months now) headed out on his big motor home trip. It will be good for him, especially after this week verbalizing how he's really missing Mom. I'm glad he realizes it won't be the same. Someone asked him if I was as good a cook as Mom and he let them know I'm better than most. They shouldn't have put him in that position in the first place, though. Mom was an unusually good cook in the first place and while I fare pretty well, his daughter's cooking is not his wife's.
We're paring down on some of the extras Mom used to bring and one of them I made for him at his house - candy apples - since when I tried to make them for the first Thanksgiving I hosted, I ruined a burner on my new stove when the pan full of sugar overflowed. Not a good input factor to getting everything else ready to go - especially Tom Turkey.
That reminds me that looking for a turkey was more challenging than expected. Last year, I ended up with one with out the "innards" and, in my world, the prepared gravy packet just doesn't cut it - especially since Mom's showing me how to take the meat off the neck that her Aunt Bertie loved just can't be replicated by the gravy packet. So, in my search this year, I discovered that Butterball is "holding back" it's complete turkeys and is pushing a very large (can you say hormones?) breast that is packaged to look like the whole turkey. I have a feeling some holiday cooks are going to be surprised when they open up their almost thawed package. Apparently, they are holding the full turkeys back from the grocery stores to sell this "new product". Luckily, the smaller town grocery store nearby had a real turkey with giblets included. It's about 2 pounds bigger than I would have liked but I picked it up while the "gettin' was good".
A few years ago, Dad mentioned that I would have "first dibs" at Christmas. Mom used to prepare the same large turkey feast Christmas Day - in addition to all the other Christmas responsibilities she had. He's gotten the message earlier rather than later that I will be happy to let my brother handle this one. As I anticipated, that means Dad will help him take care of it. But, as a friend told me, I can't work it all out for them. I can only set my boundaries.
In fact, I would actually at some point like to travel at the Christmas holiday given all the great deals you can get. I do think, however, that we will have one more Christmas in the family home. After that, all bets are off. It is quite a big place for Dad to be all by himself. And it will be especially lonely without Mom this winter.
I still find it difficult to offer him support without his shooting back that he is fine. But I will just offer occasionally - reminding him he can always call. I did remind him last week that although I really miss Mom, it is truly much harder on him. I think he just needs to hear that it's okay that he's facing a challenging time now.
And I have to remember that I am, too.
Labels: family, friends, Mom, Thanksgiving, travel, work
Monday, August 23, 2010
Last Week's Plunge
What I learned last week:
1. People to whom you extend a great deal of generosity will not only take advantage of that but will expect, no demand, even more.
2. These same people will steal from you. Not only will they steal material things, they will steal something with an emotional connection to you but that will not only mean nothing to them but will also not get them any more than a small pittance if they try to sell it. This is just evil. I can never get that baby picture back nor the frame that Mom scrimped and saved for when she and Dad were first married.
3. They will steal even if you have given them signals you are figuring out things just haven't been moved and you've asked them where they are so they have a chance to bring them back (but don't).
4. They will steal from you even if they know they are jeopardizing more than half of their monthly cash income.
5. The saddest part - we discovered she was stealing from my mother when she was sick and thought she had only misplaced some of her personal belongings that had been in the same place for 35 years.
6. Sad Part 2 - we would have given this woman anything she needed had she only asked. We considered her part of the family.
So, more life lessons learned the hard way but they are certainly taken to heart for future reference.
1. People to whom you extend a great deal of generosity will not only take advantage of that but will expect, no demand, even more.
2. These same people will steal from you. Not only will they steal material things, they will steal something with an emotional connection to you but that will not only mean nothing to them but will also not get them any more than a small pittance if they try to sell it. This is just evil. I can never get that baby picture back nor the frame that Mom scrimped and saved for when she and Dad were first married.
3. They will steal even if you have given them signals you are figuring out things just haven't been moved and you've asked them where they are so they have a chance to bring them back (but don't).
4. They will steal from you even if they know they are jeopardizing more than half of their monthly cash income.
5. The saddest part - we discovered she was stealing from my mother when she was sick and thought she had only misplaced some of her personal belongings that had been in the same place for 35 years.
6. Sad Part 2 - we would have given this woman anything she needed had she only asked. We considered her part of the family.
So, more life lessons learned the hard way but they are certainly taken to heart for future reference.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Adjustments
I am realizing that I am only beginning to comprehend the changes that are taking place around me. As the entire family attempts to return to "normal life" - although it will never seem normal without Mom - the three of us have to figure out how to fit into four holes. That's the best analogy I can think of.
I've been chosen for a new position at work which will allow some recognition by colleagues of work I've been doing since I arrived in 1993. My profession doesn't deal well with change but I prefer a structural reorganization to paycuts, layoffs, and furloughs. The organization of the reorganization will also create much less stress for everyone, including students.
Most importantly, I am realizing I have to apply my goal-driven personality (some would say that is an understatement in describing me) in a selective manner in order to ultimately achieve some goals - especially to those that involve other people. And most of life does do that.
It will be great to have a primary focus next week rather than being pulled in so many different directions. The, by the end of the week, I'm sure I'll be ready to go in different directions all at once again. Also important is my continuing to learn to be patient with myself. Being aware of something in an intellectual way does not mean we can incorporate it into our psychological selves.
Now I'm going to take advantage of the cool weather to wash the bugs off the car - an unintended consequence of summer driving.
I've been chosen for a new position at work which will allow some recognition by colleagues of work I've been doing since I arrived in 1993. My profession doesn't deal well with change but I prefer a structural reorganization to paycuts, layoffs, and furloughs. The organization of the reorganization will also create much less stress for everyone, including students.
Most importantly, I am realizing I have to apply my goal-driven personality (some would say that is an understatement in describing me) in a selective manner in order to ultimately achieve some goals - especially to those that involve other people. And most of life does do that.
It will be great to have a primary focus next week rather than being pulled in so many different directions. The, by the end of the week, I'm sure I'll be ready to go in different directions all at once again. Also important is my continuing to learn to be patient with myself. Being aware of something in an intellectual way does not mean we can incorporate it into our psychological selves.
Now I'm going to take advantage of the cool weather to wash the bugs off the car - an unintended consequence of summer driving.
Labels: adjustment, car, family, Mom
Monday, April 12, 2010
Roller Coaster
Last week showed me up close and personal that the grieving process is a roller coaster ride. I was hoping it was a steady climb up after spending more than a month at the bottom but, once again, I was proven wrong. My mother kept the family glued together in ways I discovered I couldn't even imagine and it's much harder than I realized. And I was knocked to the ground in a way I didn't expect last week and am still processing. I can attest to family members taking their grief out one another no matter how much they love each other. And personality characteristics you are aware of mentally are no less difficult to deal with emotionally when they actually manifest themselves.
Dad just lost a friend after a 3-month battle with cancer. Attending a funeral at the same church with the same children's choir and the same songs was very hard on him but also a part of his grieving process - that first is out of the way.
Work is still more difficult than I imagined but I am taking it step by step. That's the only thing I know to do - especially when it is more often than I like steps backward rather than forward. The end of the semester cannot come soon enough.
Dad just lost a friend after a 3-month battle with cancer. Attending a funeral at the same church with the same children's choir and the same songs was very hard on him but also a part of his grieving process - that first is out of the way.
Work is still more difficult than I imagined but I am taking it step by step. That's the only thing I know to do - especially when it is more often than I like steps backward rather than forward. The end of the semester cannot come soon enough.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Almost One Month
Tomorrow will make it a month since Mom left us. I'm still not sure how to deal with it all but I am surviving and sleeping okay. Obsessive thoughts occasionally wake me up or keep me up but I've done pretty well without Benadryl.
Two of my favorite cousins were able to come in for the funeral and it was good for Dad to have most of his brothers and sisters here. My Aunt Sue just wasn't in any condition to come and Shell's husband had to be gone so she couldn't bring her.
Dad also has a lot of good friends in his hometown and nearby who were only too willing to help. My friends were also wonderful. Dad, however, sadly learned who was here for much more selfish reasons -- soliciting attention for themselves and their current life challenges -- none of which even begin to compare to the death of an immediate family member such as a spouse or a parent. Mom had mentioned this person doing this over the years since she and Dad had met their parents and how even they were tired of it. But I had to keep Dad's situation foremost in mind and he didn't want to hurt his person's feelings despite his needing to not have to worry about anyone but himself. My parents are just too nice and I hate to see people take advantage - especially at such a critical time when we were all just beginning to grieve and barely surviving minute by minute while trying to hold ourselves together. And to have someone so clueless constantly in the way certainly didn't help. But we survived it and it's another of life's lessons learned about people's willingness to take advantage of someone else's tragedy.
I went back home to sleep in my own bed each night and did quite a bit to help Dad plan to funeral -including picking the readings and suggesting Ave Maria - one of Mom's favorite songs. I've kept track of who sent flowers, food, and cards. Dad even mentioned one evening that if I wasn't doing it, it wouldn't get done. I've started the thank-you notes but do not want to send any of them until I have finished with all of them so I don't leave anyone out or write two to the same person. My brother helps when Dad tells him to do something and Dad did reinforce my minimal requests during the funeral week. When he was going right by one place to get to another Dad was sending him, he could certainly stop to drop off pictures for the obituary. You would have thought it was the end of the world but, in the end, he didn't have a choice.
I stayed over the Thursday night of the funeral so that Dad wasn't all by himself all of the sudden on Friday and it also gave me a chance to start sorting through some of Mom's things. I'm starting with the most visible signs of Mom - their shared bathroom counter, their shared double walk-in closet, and the laundry room immediately inside the back door. The drawers has not been sorted in decades and much of what was there were Mom's "copies" of things Dad keeps somewhere else such as putty knives and key holders, etc. He wants to keep the microwave from the late 1970s (it's huge and heavy) since it reminds him of her so the unused trash compactor will stay there to support it. But there is a floor in there and the brooms are in the closet.
Other times, it's simply too hard emotionally to keep going through everything. But I do my best. I have headed back over each Wednesday and spent the night and worked in the house in between various appointments on Wednesday and Thursday. The last time Mom and Dad went out together was to the club and I knew Dad would have a hard time the first time he went back. I knew I would be the designated driver and I was. And it's good for me to see the family friends each week.
We knew she had been working on taxes and I knew it was in Dad's best interest not do an extension since we wanted to get it off his plate and off his mind. I thought I had looked everywhere. We were quite frustrated because we only found a few pieces of tax-related paperwork that came in after she went into the hospital. We knew she had it gathered up somewhere. I found her 2008 envelope of prep materials still on her desk so at least I had something to model from as I found records. And all her 2009 bills were in a folder in her desk. Dad was already in the process of moving files he needed downstairs. The hardest thing about her office is how her various genealogical stacks -all of which mean something- overtake everything else in there.
When we thought we had looked everywhere, I went back to a chair I didn't think she used often in her bedroom because there was another one that was surrounded by her stuff - and found a manilla folder with all her stuff. So we were able to reschedule the meeting with her accountant the next week. Ultimately, I decided to switch to this accountant since we would be spending so much time with him as we put Mom's estate plan into action over the next few months. I like my accountant but they sold out to a bigger firm in another town a few years ago and it just hasn't been the same. Last year, it was a panic to get my tax returns back to me to sign and mail because I was leaving town - something I had clearly stated during our initial meeting. Now that won't be a problem anymore.
There's still a lot to do at the house and lot to help Dad with but I will go back to teaching on Monday. And I'll see if I can focus enough to start grading my online classes. I put notices up when this family emergency occurred and then again after the funeral that grading would take precedence over other course-related tasks. Most emails before this tragedy were asking questions already answered in the course materials they did not want to review again and I imagine most of them now are asking about grades that I don't know anything about since the material hasn't been graded yet. All I can say is I'm doing my best.
There are also some big changes on campus but since I never had much control over them in the first place, there is no reason to let it consume the little time I feel I can concentrate adequately on grading so that I can get some work back to students before they turn in their final assignments. That's my goal at least. This is a semester when I'm glad I am not the primary on-site person for student teachers. They do a lot of online written work and reflection for me - more than they do for most if not all of the other student teacher content supervisors - anyway. And it's also a situation in which I have to see all or none of them and with so many out this semester, it just makes sense to rely on their online work for their Pass or Fail grade. Were it a real letter grade, it might be a different story. But soon they will start giving back classes and it's hard enough to get to all of them even when they are all teaching a full schedule. I had tried to go see a few of them before I left for Newark but they weren't teaching hours I could go see them yet. That actually turned out to be a good thing.
Labels: back to school, death, family, funeral, Mom, student teaching, students
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Blog as Therapy
We've spent another day in the ICU waiting room. Noisy children and adults who act like children are making it more difficult than it already is and I am pursuing the "policy card" to get it stopped. Children aren't even supposed to be here, let alone running around, running into people, nor blocking the main route for doctors and patients being moved. Getting the doctors to write notes to let them miss school is also something I don't understand. My cousin who is a nurse said she didn't understand why children were even allowed up here. Let alone noisy disruptive children. It's the most critical ICU unit here.
Dad is doing okay but obviously still not sleeping well. I finally slept 7 hours last night thanks to two benadryl.
We went to mass at St. Mary's. This was where we went as a young family when we lived on the south side of town over here. By the time we went to communion I was crying but it was something I couldn't control and it wasn't a loud cry so not embarrassing. I know I was thinking about Mom's singing and how she hasn't sung in church for quite awhile given the poor condition of her lungs.
We ate lunch at a local family pizza place with a great buffet and so Dad had a meal that tasted good.
Mom is experiencing some clotting in her mouth again so she is still sedated since they can't risk taking out the tube yet.
Molly is spending a great deal of time at the neighbors thank goodness. It's also helping with her fear of men since she's around one regularly.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Dad is doing okay but obviously still not sleeping well. I finally slept 7 hours last night thanks to two benadryl.
We went to mass at St. Mary's. This was where we went as a young family when we lived on the south side of town over here. By the time we went to communion I was crying but it was something I couldn't control and it wasn't a loud cry so not embarrassing. I know I was thinking about Mom's singing and how she hasn't sung in church for quite awhile given the poor condition of her lungs.
We ate lunch at a local family pizza place with a great buffet and so Dad had a meal that tasted good.
Mom is experiencing some clotting in her mouth again so she is still sedated since they can't risk taking out the tube yet.
Molly is spending a great deal of time at the neighbors thank goodness. It's also helping with her fear of men since she's around one regularly.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Labels: family, heart attack
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Not a Good Reason to Blog
Despite my best efforts, blogging remains spotty this year.
I'm sitting in a hospital ICU waiting room with Dad. I was in Newark on Thursday morning when I received word that Mom had suffered a major heart attack. Friends in New York helped me get a flight home arranged relatively quickly after I was able to figure out how to go "back" on the new train route between NJ and NY I was trying. The security line was the longest I have ever been in but ended up being the worst travel headache of the day. I scored an exit-row seat at check-in and no one sat next to me so I had two seats with no one in my lap nor a seatback in my face. My luggage arrived quickly and friends arrived shortly thereafter so that they could drive me home and not leave my vehicle at the airport. Another friend brought me from my home tot he hospital and I spent the first night with Dad. I missed Molly the Dog but given her still having issues with Dad, it was better to leave her at the vet's office another day. The neighbor was able to pick her up before closing last night since I was getting home late and another friend who had to come back to hometown to attend an event drove me back. It was good to drive my own vehicle over today. And to sleep in my own bed last night and great therapy to see my happy little girl last night. I've made arrangements with the vet for when my neighbor (her boyfriend's mom) can't keep an eye on her since we just don't know what the next week even brings.
My brother's friend who is a doctor came down and explained to us more about what was going on. Mom's smoking damaged the walls of her blood vessels and one gave out Thursday morning and caused a total cardiovascular shutdown. She is still sedated but once they feel like they can remove the vent, her will to live will most likely be the ultimate determinant. She is mildly responding to us by squeezing our hands and so we continue to talk to her and hold her hand when we can.
The only close relative I've lost is my grandmother when I was a junior in high school. But I was a teenager and she was an "old lady". And she was never the nurturing kind even though she loved us so there was much more distance. And two people my age were killed in accidents in their 20s and 30s but that, too, was different.
I had been in hometown twice last week for various meetings and events and Dad and I had talked a bit about how we knew we only had a year or two more with her but we certainly weren't expecting this event this soon. From what I've learned, she's known for about 6 weeks that something was different. Most likely her chest didn't hurt (as a prime heart attack indicator) because her chest already hurts from her labored breathing. And until they can take the vent out and quite sedating her, they just won't know how much damage has been done to her entire body. The nurses and doctors have been good about explaining what they know but it's mostly waiting. Luckily, I can do most of my essential work next week online.
And Facebook has been a wonderful tool to communicate as has text messaging.
I'm sitting in a hospital ICU waiting room with Dad. I was in Newark on Thursday morning when I received word that Mom had suffered a major heart attack. Friends in New York helped me get a flight home arranged relatively quickly after I was able to figure out how to go "back" on the new train route between NJ and NY I was trying. The security line was the longest I have ever been in but ended up being the worst travel headache of the day. I scored an exit-row seat at check-in and no one sat next to me so I had two seats with no one in my lap nor a seatback in my face. My luggage arrived quickly and friends arrived shortly thereafter so that they could drive me home and not leave my vehicle at the airport. Another friend brought me from my home tot he hospital and I spent the first night with Dad. I missed Molly the Dog but given her still having issues with Dad, it was better to leave her at the vet's office another day. The neighbor was able to pick her up before closing last night since I was getting home late and another friend who had to come back to hometown to attend an event drove me back. It was good to drive my own vehicle over today. And to sleep in my own bed last night and great therapy to see my happy little girl last night. I've made arrangements with the vet for when my neighbor (her boyfriend's mom) can't keep an eye on her since we just don't know what the next week even brings.
My brother's friend who is a doctor came down and explained to us more about what was going on. Mom's smoking damaged the walls of her blood vessels and one gave out Thursday morning and caused a total cardiovascular shutdown. She is still sedated but once they feel like they can remove the vent, her will to live will most likely be the ultimate determinant. She is mildly responding to us by squeezing our hands and so we continue to talk to her and hold her hand when we can.
The only close relative I've lost is my grandmother when I was a junior in high school. But I was a teenager and she was an "old lady". And she was never the nurturing kind even though she loved us so there was much more distance. And two people my age were killed in accidents in their 20s and 30s but that, too, was different.
I had been in hometown twice last week for various meetings and events and Dad and I had talked a bit about how we knew we only had a year or two more with her but we certainly weren't expecting this event this soon. From what I've learned, she's known for about 6 weeks that something was different. Most likely her chest didn't hurt (as a prime heart attack indicator) because her chest already hurts from her labored breathing. And until they can take the vent out and quite sedating her, they just won't know how much damage has been done to her entire body. The nurses and doctors have been good about explaining what they know but it's mostly waiting. Luckily, I can do most of my essential work next week online.
And Facebook has been a wonderful tool to communicate as has text messaging.
Labels: emergency, family, heart attack
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