Sunday, May 08, 2011
Mother's Day
I'm missing Mom today. It's a different type of feeling than last year but it may be because the adrenaline is gone. I'm reading The Long Goodbye and it is a different take on a grief book since it is letting me follow a 30-something who lost her Mom when her mother was in her 50s. It was a different loss but so many of the parts of the roller coaster ride are all too familiar.
Everyone deals with grief in a different way and I have learned that all too well in the last 14 months. Some old friends have reappeared - which is a very good thing. Some other changes may be potentially in the future but at this point it's totally out of my control. Learning to let go of what I cannot control has been a major theme in my life lately. I only wish I had learned sooner.
Everyone deals with grief in a different way and I have learned that all too well in the last 14 months. Some old friends have reappeared - which is a very good thing. Some other changes may be potentially in the future but at this point it's totally out of my control. Learning to let go of what I cannot control has been a major theme in my life lately. I only wish I had learned sooner.
Labels: Mom
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Not Ready for Spring
We made it through the first anniversaries. I think that was why I wanted it to still be winter. We just had one cold weekend after we lost her and spring's arrival this year would signal that a year had passed. I can't believe it and yet I can. Allergies are bothering quite a few people and I think of how they are not bothering her this year.
I know I carry parts of her inside of me and always will. But I still miss her. I still miss her sage advice and her great way of being comfort. I remember at some point in my 20s that she told me she worried she would ever know how to be a good Mom since she had never really had a mother (hers died when she was 6 - penicillin would have prevented it but it wasn't invented yet). I was so shocked she said something like that since I always thought she was a wonderful mother. My only complaint was thinking she favored my brother a bit but I assumed all siblings think the other sibling is the favored one.
Mom's car is now in my garage. It's still an eerie feeling. I made sure Dad was ready for me to have it given past experience. He "liked" my Facebook status when I took a picture of how I was (finally!) able to fit it in beside the Tahoe. I was worried once I got it in that I would not be able to open the door but I was.
We still miss her.
I know I carry parts of her inside of me and always will. But I still miss her. I still miss her sage advice and her great way of being comfort. I remember at some point in my 20s that she told me she worried she would ever know how to be a good Mom since she had never really had a mother (hers died when she was 6 - penicillin would have prevented it but it wasn't invented yet). I was so shocked she said something like that since I always thought she was a wonderful mother. My only complaint was thinking she favored my brother a bit but I assumed all siblings think the other sibling is the favored one.
Mom's car is now in my garage. It's still an eerie feeling. I made sure Dad was ready for me to have it given past experience. He "liked" my Facebook status when I took a picture of how I was (finally!) able to fit it in beside the Tahoe. I was worried once I got it in that I would not be able to open the door but I was.
We still miss her.
Labels: anniversaries, Mom
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Anniversaries
We are almost through the one-year anniversaries. A year ago today (although tomorrow is actually the calendar anniversary but today is the day of the week anniversary - Sunday) I was in a daze after having stayed up all night with Mom as she slowly drifted away from us. I stayed with her until after the last time she opened her eyes. I then went home knowing I would return to the Carthage house to help Dad.
I literally could have almost fallen asleep standing up the night before but, as a friend told me who had recently lost his mother, you find strength you didn't know you had. I drove home and stopped to get something to eat on the way but knew my world was turned upside down in more ways than one. I didn't take any benadryl to help me actually sleep given that it was ten o-clock in the morning because I knew I could get the call anytime that she was gone and Dad was returning home. I didn't want him to be there by himself.
I was home only a few hours when that call came. I did a few things around the house and headed to Carthage and arrived not too longer after Dad did. Or at least that is how I remember it. We started the funeral preparations the next morning.
So, now to get through March 4.
Parts of this past ten days have not been as hard as I thought they would be and some have been much harder. I still have to work through the feelings of guilt and just keep reminding myself she went out the way she wanted to go out and she was "done".
As it was last year, it's grant-writing season and I am learning to manage that and not feel like everyone's grant is 100% on my shoulders. And I am working with some fun and interesting people across the country.
There's also much to do at the office. I've finished seeing 11 of the 15 student teachers. I should be able to fit in the rest before spring break. This week we have our last spring seminar with our current grant group and will preview our summer trip from Memphis to New Orleans.
I literally could have almost fallen asleep standing up the night before but, as a friend told me who had recently lost his mother, you find strength you didn't know you had. I drove home and stopped to get something to eat on the way but knew my world was turned upside down in more ways than one. I didn't take any benadryl to help me actually sleep given that it was ten o-clock in the morning because I knew I could get the call anytime that she was gone and Dad was returning home. I didn't want him to be there by himself.
I was home only a few hours when that call came. I did a few things around the house and headed to Carthage and arrived not too longer after Dad did. Or at least that is how I remember it. We started the funeral preparations the next morning.
So, now to get through March 4.
Parts of this past ten days have not been as hard as I thought they would be and some have been much harder. I still have to work through the feelings of guilt and just keep reminding myself she went out the way she wanted to go out and she was "done".
As it was last year, it's grant-writing season and I am learning to manage that and not feel like everyone's grant is 100% on my shoulders. And I am working with some fun and interesting people across the country.
There's also much to do at the office. I've finished seeing 11 of the 15 student teachers. I should be able to fit in the rest before spring break. This week we have our last spring seminar with our current grant group and will preview our summer trip from Memphis to New Orleans.
Labels: Mom
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Yesterday
Yesterday would have been my mother's 73rd birthday. We knew that she would not make 75 because of her declining health but we certainly didn't expect to lose her right after she turned 72. She, however, had been ready to go for quiet some time. I imagine that once she could no longer keep an active schedule outside the house along with her increasingly feeling worse each day had more than a little to do with her readiness. She had just gone to Mass for Ash Wednesday the night before she passed and kept talking about how she felt like she was right with God when she could talk to us a few short times in the hospital.
I went to a conference in Boston the latter part of last week and was certainly feeling out of sorts before I went. My commitments at the conference kept me busy. Most importantly, however, I was able to visit with a distant colleague who has become a close friend. In fact, he is the one who was able to get my flight home arranged while I was struggling to get back in the slow part of the subway system between Newark and Manhattan. Tragically, he had lost his mother quite unexpectedly the year before. He reinforced what I had been reading - the grief will come in waves and very often in unexpected ways. Not necessarily crying, but not being able to concentrate and just generally not feeling "with it". It was especially nice for us to catch up over the course of a few days. He did not I was quieter than he had ever seen me in groups - especially our dinner with "big gun" researcher that we just happened to run into in the hall. Like me, this colleague notices friends and colleagues from our "other-centered" approach to life. I will try to keep that positive attribute even as I feel the grief overcome me less. I am learning that everything is not up to me, including the dinner conversation.
Our university does not start back until AFTER the MLK holiday for the first time I can remember. That actually feels like it gives me another entire week to get both personal and work tasks done. We've had our first big snow but, luckily, it coincides with my interest in moving around. The big thing was actually getting home via Boston after our direct flight was canceled. 3 hours in the DC airport was not fun but at least my colleague who has never been there before had the best seat in the house as the plane departed late Sunday night. And I am so glad she was riding with me as we drove home - much less chance of my falling asleep or someone not noticing I didn't get home because I had run off the road since her husband knew when to expect us. That is yet another thing I miss when I travel - I talked to Mom at least once each day - especially when I was in Newark so that she knew I had made it back to the hotel okay each night.
There are lots of projects both before school starts and after it begins. I did get all but about 10% of my course material up before I left and so I can concentrate on my annual report when I return since it's due Monday of the 2nd week of classes. I still don't understand why we aren't evaluated on the same academic calendar year like we are hired. I'm sure there is an administrative reason for it. It does penalize you your first year. I can remember my first chair telling me not to expect to be rated well because I only had "half" of the activities to document given that I had not been teaching there the spring of the evaluation period. At least he warned me.
I am going to enjoy the snow along with Molly - it's so great being able to let her run the yard on her own. And not having anything on the schedule this week is absolutely wonderful. I should be able to get a lot of writing done. Hopefully the website I'm using as a motivator will recognize me when I return to its homepage.
I went to a conference in Boston the latter part of last week and was certainly feeling out of sorts before I went. My commitments at the conference kept me busy. Most importantly, however, I was able to visit with a distant colleague who has become a close friend. In fact, he is the one who was able to get my flight home arranged while I was struggling to get back in the slow part of the subway system between Newark and Manhattan. Tragically, he had lost his mother quite unexpectedly the year before. He reinforced what I had been reading - the grief will come in waves and very often in unexpected ways. Not necessarily crying, but not being able to concentrate and just generally not feeling "with it". It was especially nice for us to catch up over the course of a few days. He did not I was quieter than he had ever seen me in groups - especially our dinner with "big gun" researcher that we just happened to run into in the hall. Like me, this colleague notices friends and colleagues from our "other-centered" approach to life. I will try to keep that positive attribute even as I feel the grief overcome me less. I am learning that everything is not up to me, including the dinner conversation.
Our university does not start back until AFTER the MLK holiday for the first time I can remember. That actually feels like it gives me another entire week to get both personal and work tasks done. We've had our first big snow but, luckily, it coincides with my interest in moving around. The big thing was actually getting home via Boston after our direct flight was canceled. 3 hours in the DC airport was not fun but at least my colleague who has never been there before had the best seat in the house as the plane departed late Sunday night. And I am so glad she was riding with me as we drove home - much less chance of my falling asleep or someone not noticing I didn't get home because I had run off the road since her husband knew when to expect us. That is yet another thing I miss when I travel - I talked to Mom at least once each day - especially when I was in Newark so that she knew I had made it back to the hotel okay each night.
There are lots of projects both before school starts and after it begins. I did get all but about 10% of my course material up before I left and so I can concentrate on my annual report when I return since it's due Monday of the 2nd week of classes. I still don't understand why we aren't evaluated on the same academic calendar year like we are hired. I'm sure there is an administrative reason for it. It does penalize you your first year. I can remember my first chair telling me not to expect to be rated well because I only had "half" of the activities to document given that I had not been teaching there the spring of the evaluation period. At least he warned me.
I am going to enjoy the snow along with Molly - it's so great being able to let her run the yard on her own. And not having anything on the schedule this week is absolutely wonderful. I should be able to get a lot of writing done. Hopefully the website I'm using as a motivator will recognize me when I return to its homepage.
Labels: conferences, friends, Mom, school
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Pretty Woman
I'm watching one of Mom's favorite movies, Pretty Woman. I haven't gotten done what I wanted to get done today but some unexpected tech challenges as I installed new equipment are the cuprits I am blaming.
Mom loved good movies and I had just helped her buy a laptop with a great display. What I didn't realize was that it was too heavy for her to watch. So, we ordered her a netbook that I did not have time to set up before we lost her. One of the guilt things I am still working on letting go of - obviously!
Dad and I went through her large collections of tapes. Luckily, the DAV store welcomed those we did not want to keep as we didn't want to throw them away. Someone out there is still watching a vcr, after all.
On a technology notes, it's interesting how proprietary the physical parts of the media are and that the broadcasting companies are still struggling with handling protecting their "rights" despite the diverse ways we can now access the same content. It will be interesting to see where we are even a year from now.
And, I wonder what it does to our memory when we have digital copies rather than analog/physical to remind us. I do love my Kindle but I still love books. I just have too many of them. Certainly information overload at its finest. I am still in the process of culling out the books I don't need in my office - and also finding good homes for them.
I am working in general, but especially at home, at utilizing the storage space I have INSTEAD of filling it up and then working "outside the box" with the end result being too much long-term clutter. I am making gradual progress at home with various spots. Today I cleaned off the last of my desktop computers that I haven't accessed in at least a year I am sure. I was so afraid of losing "something" even though I transferred the docs to an external hard drive. I have several computers of email that are gone forever even though I still have hard copies of some of the very early emails. They were much more manageable in print then but, most importantly, not easily accessible except on the university network.
Hmmm. More topics for more thought here later.
One of the lessons we did learn is to push Dad to update his computers so we can transfer what they want. That is still a conundrum I am facing given that I can only hope I have retrieved everything vital from Mom's three computers that cannot talk to each other and none of whom have operable sharing/storage CD technology.
Mom loved good movies and I had just helped her buy a laptop with a great display. What I didn't realize was that it was too heavy for her to watch. So, we ordered her a netbook that I did not have time to set up before we lost her. One of the guilt things I am still working on letting go of - obviously!
Dad and I went through her large collections of tapes. Luckily, the DAV store welcomed those we did not want to keep as we didn't want to throw them away. Someone out there is still watching a vcr, after all.
On a technology notes, it's interesting how proprietary the physical parts of the media are and that the broadcasting companies are still struggling with handling protecting their "rights" despite the diverse ways we can now access the same content. It will be interesting to see where we are even a year from now.
And, I wonder what it does to our memory when we have digital copies rather than analog/physical to remind us. I do love my Kindle but I still love books. I just have too many of them. Certainly information overload at its finest. I am still in the process of culling out the books I don't need in my office - and also finding good homes for them.
I am working in general, but especially at home, at utilizing the storage space I have INSTEAD of filling it up and then working "outside the box" with the end result being too much long-term clutter. I am making gradual progress at home with various spots. Today I cleaned off the last of my desktop computers that I haven't accessed in at least a year I am sure. I was so afraid of losing "something" even though I transferred the docs to an external hard drive. I have several computers of email that are gone forever even though I still have hard copies of some of the very early emails. They were much more manageable in print then but, most importantly, not easily accessible except on the university network.
Hmmm. More topics for more thought here later.
One of the lessons we did learn is to push Dad to update his computers so we can transfer what they want. That is still a conundrum I am facing given that I can only hope I have retrieved everything vital from Mom's three computers that cannot talk to each other and none of whom have operable sharing/storage CD technology.
Labels: Mom, technology
Saturday, January 01, 2011
January 1
It is the start of a brand new year. A year I totally never expected to be what it already is. The first year on this earth without Mom. But I know mentally she is in a better place but emotionally I miss her like hell. We (Dad and I) are coping as best we respectively can. I am still learning to let myself not feel like all of the responsibility it still on me. But I will get there.
I am already doing better at focusing on one task at a time. Most importantly, I am acknowledging that I cannot do everything all of the time. And, not taking time out to have some fun and be with friends does not make Kelly a fun person to be around. So, I deserve the non-work/non-responsibility parts of life that everyone else enjoys on a regular basis.
I read the papers and presentations that will be part of one session that I chair at one of our annual professional conferences later this week. I chair sessions each of the last two mornings. Of course, I much prefer to present at the beginning of a conference than at the end. But, the timing will allow us to take the direct flights each day and the return flight from Boston is at dinnertime, anyway. It may mean spending the night in KC if we are too tired when we return but, since I can't pick up Molly until the next morning, that will be fine.
I have finished everything I can do for my taxes until the official paperwork starts arriving in the mail later this month. This is definitely the first time I have been this far ahead. And I have a better feel for balancing out my spending this year from the get go. Changing accountants was definitely one of the positives that came out of a tragic situation.
As I reflected today, I wondered if I still want it to be the Christmas season because, as long as it is, it will not be the anniversary of Mom's heart attack, death, and funeral. I am so glad Dad will be gone with friends on a cruise for the final part. And we will get to spend an evening out in Kansas City the night before he leaves on the train. It will give both of us a chance to connect with mom's friends there. Her best one was dealing with our own husband's lengthy illness and ultimate death and was unable to make it. She was and is always so cheerful. We will definitely have a good time meeting up with her. And, our work with teachers the next day as Dad is already a few states away on the train will be fun - especially with our guest speaker coming in. I hope to stay to do some research the next day at the National Archives - some great records I want to look at.
I should have an easier time this upcoming semester getting in my hours. I am not sure all the people that think they have to know realize I spent more hours than I was supposed to do - primarily by needing to come up on days I did not have office hours. But I have moved from Mon/Wed/Thurs to Mon/Thurs/Fri given that we have department meetings every Friday.
I was getting a good start on my writing a few days ago and will dig in more the next few days before we go on our trip. The only two sessions I have to go to are the ones I am chairing and that is simply all I have to get done.
I imagine there will be some correspondence with Newark on two fronts given that everyone is 'back on duty' on Monday. It will be nice to solidify some things. And, in many ways, tomorrow is a work day for me.
I caught up with some old family friends today and, as a result, Molly has a new canine pal.
I linked my Slideshare account to my LinkedIn account and encouraged my fellow presenters to do so the same.
I am so glad that the university does not start classes again until AFTER Martin Luther King, Jr's, birthday this year. It just makes sense and gives faculty almost another week to do research/writing.
Happy New Year!
I am already doing better at focusing on one task at a time. Most importantly, I am acknowledging that I cannot do everything all of the time. And, not taking time out to have some fun and be with friends does not make Kelly a fun person to be around. So, I deserve the non-work/non-responsibility parts of life that everyone else enjoys on a regular basis.
I read the papers and presentations that will be part of one session that I chair at one of our annual professional conferences later this week. I chair sessions each of the last two mornings. Of course, I much prefer to present at the beginning of a conference than at the end. But, the timing will allow us to take the direct flights each day and the return flight from Boston is at dinnertime, anyway. It may mean spending the night in KC if we are too tired when we return but, since I can't pick up Molly until the next morning, that will be fine.
I have finished everything I can do for my taxes until the official paperwork starts arriving in the mail later this month. This is definitely the first time I have been this far ahead. And I have a better feel for balancing out my spending this year from the get go. Changing accountants was definitely one of the positives that came out of a tragic situation.
As I reflected today, I wondered if I still want it to be the Christmas season because, as long as it is, it will not be the anniversary of Mom's heart attack, death, and funeral. I am so glad Dad will be gone with friends on a cruise for the final part. And we will get to spend an evening out in Kansas City the night before he leaves on the train. It will give both of us a chance to connect with mom's friends there. Her best one was dealing with our own husband's lengthy illness and ultimate death and was unable to make it. She was and is always so cheerful. We will definitely have a good time meeting up with her. And, our work with teachers the next day as Dad is already a few states away on the train will be fun - especially with our guest speaker coming in. I hope to stay to do some research the next day at the National Archives - some great records I want to look at.
I should have an easier time this upcoming semester getting in my hours. I am not sure all the people that think they have to know realize I spent more hours than I was supposed to do - primarily by needing to come up on days I did not have office hours. But I have moved from Mon/Wed/Thurs to Mon/Thurs/Fri given that we have department meetings every Friday.
I was getting a good start on my writing a few days ago and will dig in more the next few days before we go on our trip. The only two sessions I have to go to are the ones I am chairing and that is simply all I have to get done.
I imagine there will be some correspondence with Newark on two fronts given that everyone is 'back on duty' on Monday. It will be nice to solidify some things. And, in many ways, tomorrow is a work day for me.
I caught up with some old family friends today and, as a result, Molly has a new canine pal.
I linked my Slideshare account to my LinkedIn account and encouraged my fellow presenters to do so the same.
I am so glad that the university does not start classes again until AFTER Martin Luther King, Jr's, birthday this year. It just makes sense and gives faculty almost another week to do research/writing.
Happy New Year!
Labels: Dad, Happy New Year, holidays, Molly, Mom, school
Friday, December 24, 2010
The Holiday Season
I was really missing Mom yesterday. Today is a bit better even though I am not sure why. I keep reminding myself she went out the way she wanted - she was never going to be on oxygen no matter how uncomfortable her smoking made her. :-(
Labels: Mom
Sunday, November 07, 2010
It's November
The election is over and we can now do more looking forward than looking back. There is still a great deal to "settle out" but I have confidence that Washington will do what it always does. Brownback will return to Kansas as governor and it will be interesting to see how he translates his DC experience back to Topeka politics, especially education and the economy.
A friend is re-entering the workforce after being at home with the kids, doing an infinite amount of volunteering, and being elected to the school board. It will be interesting to see what path she ultimately chooses. Right now she is overwhelmed with the possibilities of what she could do. It's another thing we have in common, we like to do lots of diverse tasks and not just focus in on one. Most importantly, it keeps it interesting and we don't have to worry about getting bored.
I'm gradually learning to do little things for myself (old habits are hard to break). It actually does help keep me more sane. A friend pushed some buttons way too hard last week and learned that I just don't take that any more no matter how well-intentioned the original impulses may be. And it did feel good. Only wished I had learned that about 35 years ago but there is still time to add it to my bag of reality tricks in dealing with real life.
This is travel month but I have, in many ways, looked forward to it. An important committee meeting with a new person at the organizational help who actually wants input from a diverse group of experts (I'm "user interface" meaning the average user not the expert user that already knows all of the descriptive terms surrounding what they are looking for.)
Later this week is a national conference which will primarily be an opportunity to catch up with research colleagues. With enrollment this week, I could not attend the early part of the more formal research part of the process. Because of my new chair, I have been allowed to return to providing more assistance to colleagues in helping advise students and it will be a nice change from all of the preventable emergencies showing up at the door. In general, students are having more trouble understanding that the guidelines they've heard several times by the time they get to me really do apply to them no matter what other plan they might have. But, as I contemplate this, I think it is more societal that they are used to everyone else taking care of them. Given the fact that they will be responsible for a countless number of young people in a short time, we have to find ways to help them get to where they need to be before they enter a classroom as the teacher instead of the students. They may involve a few hard lessons for some but tough times sometimes call for tough love. If they can't handle some of these guidelines, they really aren't ready to be in front of the classroom anyway. The lack of jobs, of course, is a whole other issue we are trying to prepare them for but, again, they won't really internalize it until they literally smack up against it. Even people in their 30s and 40s returning to school seem to think there is an increasing demand for teachers but I feel compelled to be realistic with them and let them make the call. To be fair, by the time they get to me, they are already committed to the decision - especially regarding student loans - so I just have to do my best to help them get where they want to be.
I'll come early from this conference to head to a groundbreaking ceremony for the nation's newest presidential library. Given my interest in what presidents do after they leave office, it will be intriguing to see it up close and personal.
Students will be turning in some big projects before Thanksgiving. Twenty-five years of teaching experience has shown that is it is a very good thing to get the draft version in and give them a chance to take a break from school (or at least a longer diversion) before they come back to it to revise and resubmit. Then, the end of the semester will be up on us.
On the personal front, it is still a roller coaster although I'm sometimes able to anticipate when it will get harder. We knew the holidays would be hard. And I have some associated guilt since I remember thinking "what if this is the last year we have Mom at Thanksgiving". I'm still working on banishing the guilty thoughts. She went out the way she wanted to - without causing too much trouble for anyone else. Dad is FINALLY (it's been more than eight months now) headed out on his big motor home trip. It will be good for him, especially after this week verbalizing how he's really missing Mom. I'm glad he realizes it won't be the same. Someone asked him if I was as good a cook as Mom and he let them know I'm better than most. They shouldn't have put him in that position in the first place, though. Mom was an unusually good cook in the first place and while I fare pretty well, his daughter's cooking is not his wife's.
We're paring down on some of the extras Mom used to bring and one of them I made for him at his house - candy apples - since when I tried to make them for the first Thanksgiving I hosted, I ruined a burner on my new stove when the pan full of sugar overflowed. Not a good input factor to getting everything else ready to go - especially Tom Turkey.
That reminds me that looking for a turkey was more challenging than expected. Last year, I ended up with one with out the "innards" and, in my world, the prepared gravy packet just doesn't cut it - especially since Mom's showing me how to take the meat off the neck that her Aunt Bertie loved just can't be replicated by the gravy packet. So, in my search this year, I discovered that Butterball is "holding back" it's complete turkeys and is pushing a very large (can you say hormones?) breast that is packaged to look like the whole turkey. I have a feeling some holiday cooks are going to be surprised when they open up their almost thawed package. Apparently, they are holding the full turkeys back from the grocery stores to sell this "new product". Luckily, the smaller town grocery store nearby had a real turkey with giblets included. It's about 2 pounds bigger than I would have liked but I picked it up while the "gettin' was good".
A few years ago, Dad mentioned that I would have "first dibs" at Christmas. Mom used to prepare the same large turkey feast Christmas Day - in addition to all the other Christmas responsibilities she had. He's gotten the message earlier rather than later that I will be happy to let my brother handle this one. As I anticipated, that means Dad will help him take care of it. But, as a friend told me, I can't work it all out for them. I can only set my boundaries.
In fact, I would actually at some point like to travel at the Christmas holiday given all the great deals you can get. I do think, however, that we will have one more Christmas in the family home. After that, all bets are off. It is quite a big place for Dad to be all by himself. And it will be especially lonely without Mom this winter.
I still find it difficult to offer him support without his shooting back that he is fine. But I will just offer occasionally - reminding him he can always call. I did remind him last week that although I really miss Mom, it is truly much harder on him. I think he just needs to hear that it's okay that he's facing a challenging time now.
And I have to remember that I am, too.
A friend is re-entering the workforce after being at home with the kids, doing an infinite amount of volunteering, and being elected to the school board. It will be interesting to see what path she ultimately chooses. Right now she is overwhelmed with the possibilities of what she could do. It's another thing we have in common, we like to do lots of diverse tasks and not just focus in on one. Most importantly, it keeps it interesting and we don't have to worry about getting bored.
I'm gradually learning to do little things for myself (old habits are hard to break). It actually does help keep me more sane. A friend pushed some buttons way too hard last week and learned that I just don't take that any more no matter how well-intentioned the original impulses may be. And it did feel good. Only wished I had learned that about 35 years ago but there is still time to add it to my bag of reality tricks in dealing with real life.
This is travel month but I have, in many ways, looked forward to it. An important committee meeting with a new person at the organizational help who actually wants input from a diverse group of experts (I'm "user interface" meaning the average user not the expert user that already knows all of the descriptive terms surrounding what they are looking for.)
Later this week is a national conference which will primarily be an opportunity to catch up with research colleagues. With enrollment this week, I could not attend the early part of the more formal research part of the process. Because of my new chair, I have been allowed to return to providing more assistance to colleagues in helping advise students and it will be a nice change from all of the preventable emergencies showing up at the door. In general, students are having more trouble understanding that the guidelines they've heard several times by the time they get to me really do apply to them no matter what other plan they might have. But, as I contemplate this, I think it is more societal that they are used to everyone else taking care of them. Given the fact that they will be responsible for a countless number of young people in a short time, we have to find ways to help them get to where they need to be before they enter a classroom as the teacher instead of the students. They may involve a few hard lessons for some but tough times sometimes call for tough love. If they can't handle some of these guidelines, they really aren't ready to be in front of the classroom anyway. The lack of jobs, of course, is a whole other issue we are trying to prepare them for but, again, they won't really internalize it until they literally smack up against it. Even people in their 30s and 40s returning to school seem to think there is an increasing demand for teachers but I feel compelled to be realistic with them and let them make the call. To be fair, by the time they get to me, they are already committed to the decision - especially regarding student loans - so I just have to do my best to help them get where they want to be.
I'll come early from this conference to head to a groundbreaking ceremony for the nation's newest presidential library. Given my interest in what presidents do after they leave office, it will be intriguing to see it up close and personal.
Students will be turning in some big projects before Thanksgiving. Twenty-five years of teaching experience has shown that is it is a very good thing to get the draft version in and give them a chance to take a break from school (or at least a longer diversion) before they come back to it to revise and resubmit. Then, the end of the semester will be up on us.
On the personal front, it is still a roller coaster although I'm sometimes able to anticipate when it will get harder. We knew the holidays would be hard. And I have some associated guilt since I remember thinking "what if this is the last year we have Mom at Thanksgiving". I'm still working on banishing the guilty thoughts. She went out the way she wanted to - without causing too much trouble for anyone else. Dad is FINALLY (it's been more than eight months now) headed out on his big motor home trip. It will be good for him, especially after this week verbalizing how he's really missing Mom. I'm glad he realizes it won't be the same. Someone asked him if I was as good a cook as Mom and he let them know I'm better than most. They shouldn't have put him in that position in the first place, though. Mom was an unusually good cook in the first place and while I fare pretty well, his daughter's cooking is not his wife's.
We're paring down on some of the extras Mom used to bring and one of them I made for him at his house - candy apples - since when I tried to make them for the first Thanksgiving I hosted, I ruined a burner on my new stove when the pan full of sugar overflowed. Not a good input factor to getting everything else ready to go - especially Tom Turkey.
That reminds me that looking for a turkey was more challenging than expected. Last year, I ended up with one with out the "innards" and, in my world, the prepared gravy packet just doesn't cut it - especially since Mom's showing me how to take the meat off the neck that her Aunt Bertie loved just can't be replicated by the gravy packet. So, in my search this year, I discovered that Butterball is "holding back" it's complete turkeys and is pushing a very large (can you say hormones?) breast that is packaged to look like the whole turkey. I have a feeling some holiday cooks are going to be surprised when they open up their almost thawed package. Apparently, they are holding the full turkeys back from the grocery stores to sell this "new product". Luckily, the smaller town grocery store nearby had a real turkey with giblets included. It's about 2 pounds bigger than I would have liked but I picked it up while the "gettin' was good".
A few years ago, Dad mentioned that I would have "first dibs" at Christmas. Mom used to prepare the same large turkey feast Christmas Day - in addition to all the other Christmas responsibilities she had. He's gotten the message earlier rather than later that I will be happy to let my brother handle this one. As I anticipated, that means Dad will help him take care of it. But, as a friend told me, I can't work it all out for them. I can only set my boundaries.
In fact, I would actually at some point like to travel at the Christmas holiday given all the great deals you can get. I do think, however, that we will have one more Christmas in the family home. After that, all bets are off. It is quite a big place for Dad to be all by himself. And it will be especially lonely without Mom this winter.
I still find it difficult to offer him support without his shooting back that he is fine. But I will just offer occasionally - reminding him he can always call. I did remind him last week that although I really miss Mom, it is truly much harder on him. I think he just needs to hear that it's okay that he's facing a challenging time now.
And I have to remember that I am, too.
Labels: family, friends, Mom, Thanksgiving, travel, work
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Adjustments
I am realizing that I am only beginning to comprehend the changes that are taking place around me. As the entire family attempts to return to "normal life" - although it will never seem normal without Mom - the three of us have to figure out how to fit into four holes. That's the best analogy I can think of.
I've been chosen for a new position at work which will allow some recognition by colleagues of work I've been doing since I arrived in 1993. My profession doesn't deal well with change but I prefer a structural reorganization to paycuts, layoffs, and furloughs. The organization of the reorganization will also create much less stress for everyone, including students.
Most importantly, I am realizing I have to apply my goal-driven personality (some would say that is an understatement in describing me) in a selective manner in order to ultimately achieve some goals - especially to those that involve other people. And most of life does do that.
It will be great to have a primary focus next week rather than being pulled in so many different directions. The, by the end of the week, I'm sure I'll be ready to go in different directions all at once again. Also important is my continuing to learn to be patient with myself. Being aware of something in an intellectual way does not mean we can incorporate it into our psychological selves.
Now I'm going to take advantage of the cool weather to wash the bugs off the car - an unintended consequence of summer driving.
I've been chosen for a new position at work which will allow some recognition by colleagues of work I've been doing since I arrived in 1993. My profession doesn't deal well with change but I prefer a structural reorganization to paycuts, layoffs, and furloughs. The organization of the reorganization will also create much less stress for everyone, including students.
Most importantly, I am realizing I have to apply my goal-driven personality (some would say that is an understatement in describing me) in a selective manner in order to ultimately achieve some goals - especially to those that involve other people. And most of life does do that.
It will be great to have a primary focus next week rather than being pulled in so many different directions. The, by the end of the week, I'm sure I'll be ready to go in different directions all at once again. Also important is my continuing to learn to be patient with myself. Being aware of something in an intellectual way does not mean we can incorporate it into our psychological selves.
Now I'm going to take advantage of the cool weather to wash the bugs off the car - an unintended consequence of summer driving.
Labels: adjustment, car, family, Mom
Monday, May 24, 2010
End of Semester
I've always looked forward more to semesters starting than ending but this one I am definitely glad to have in the rear view mirror. Unexpected stressors added to the grief of losing Mom and all that came with that. But that situation will be totally different shortly, much much to my relief.
Next fall, I will be given a title for duties I've already had plus a few more. Those duties made my semester last a week longer but it set a good foundation for the transition we are already undergoing. There are a few misconceptions about my role among some colleagues but time will allow them to see that not as much as they think might have actually changed. Most importantly, unlike most of our colleagues in higher education, we've had no layoffs, pay cuts, or furloughs (yet!). That's really all that matters in the real world. We have to remind ourselves how lucky we are to know we have a job next year and the next.
This summer will not be quite as busy as last summer and the only travel I'm responsible for is in-state. Getting some significant writing done also has to be on the agenda given the change in my formal responsibilities next year. I only wish Mom were here to talk to about all of this. I don't know that I'll ever get used to not being able to talk to her - or at least to have her actually respond. I look up a lot these days.
Next fall, I will be given a title for duties I've already had plus a few more. Those duties made my semester last a week longer but it set a good foundation for the transition we are already undergoing. There are a few misconceptions about my role among some colleagues but time will allow them to see that not as much as they think might have actually changed. Most importantly, unlike most of our colleagues in higher education, we've had no layoffs, pay cuts, or furloughs (yet!). That's really all that matters in the real world. We have to remind ourselves how lucky we are to know we have a job next year and the next.
This summer will not be quite as busy as last summer and the only travel I'm responsible for is in-state. Getting some significant writing done also has to be on the agenda given the change in my formal responsibilities next year. I only wish Mom were here to talk to about all of this. I don't know that I'll ever get used to not being able to talk to her - or at least to have her actually respond. I look up a lot these days.
Labels: fall semester, Mom, summer, university
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday
It's another Monday and the end of the semester is near. I made a significant dent in the grading last week - which is definitely a good feeling in light of the dynamics of everything else going on right now. Today is the last time I meet the teaching methods course. One of the students chose to eliminate himself last week. He thought having to work more than an hour and a half a day was a good excuse to get an extension on a class project he's known about for 6 weeks but hasn't started working on. How do you tell a student that it's not unreasonable for a family to expect a senior in college to work more than 1 1/2 hours a day - especially when they are taking more than four years to get their degree?
I'm learning to push back a bit, although I'm getting different reactions from people who don't expect it, it is a better feeling than sinking in to even deeper feelings of being overwhelmed.
Most significantly, I received confirmation that my gut was right that the uninvited guest that arrived less than 24 hours after Mom died from over 2,000 miles away did indeed have an agenda that was not actually meant to help anyone but herself. Mom was right again.
I'm learning to push back a bit, although I'm getting different reactions from people who don't expect it, it is a better feeling than sinking in to even deeper feelings of being overwhelmed.
Most significantly, I received confirmation that my gut was right that the uninvited guest that arrived less than 24 hours after Mom died from over 2,000 miles away did indeed have an agenda that was not actually meant to help anyone but herself. Mom was right again.
Labels: Mom, people, school, teaching
Sunday, April 18, 2010
The Ride Continues
The roller coaster ride continues.
Dad is no longer mayor and is off on a fishing trip with "the guys". That will be good for him. He's also letting people know he doesn't have a schedule and he's not going to make one.
I am gradually catching up at work but not as fast as I'd like. I just don't seem to be able to concentrate enough to grade. But, a month from now, grades will be submitted and it will all be done no matter what.
I feel stuck in suspended animation but keep trying to take small steps forward.
Dad is no longer mayor and is off on a fishing trip with "the guys". That will be good for him. He's also letting people know he doesn't have a schedule and he's not going to make one.
I am gradually catching up at work but not as fast as I'd like. I just don't seem to be able to concentrate enough to grade. But, a month from now, grades will be submitted and it will all be done no matter what.
I feel stuck in suspended animation but keep trying to take small steps forward.
Labels: Dad, death, dying, Mom
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Almost One Month
Tomorrow will make it a month since Mom left us. I'm still not sure how to deal with it all but I am surviving and sleeping okay. Obsessive thoughts occasionally wake me up or keep me up but I've done pretty well without Benadryl.
Two of my favorite cousins were able to come in for the funeral and it was good for Dad to have most of his brothers and sisters here. My Aunt Sue just wasn't in any condition to come and Shell's husband had to be gone so she couldn't bring her.
Dad also has a lot of good friends in his hometown and nearby who were only too willing to help. My friends were also wonderful. Dad, however, sadly learned who was here for much more selfish reasons -- soliciting attention for themselves and their current life challenges -- none of which even begin to compare to the death of an immediate family member such as a spouse or a parent. Mom had mentioned this person doing this over the years since she and Dad had met their parents and how even they were tired of it. But I had to keep Dad's situation foremost in mind and he didn't want to hurt his person's feelings despite his needing to not have to worry about anyone but himself. My parents are just too nice and I hate to see people take advantage - especially at such a critical time when we were all just beginning to grieve and barely surviving minute by minute while trying to hold ourselves together. And to have someone so clueless constantly in the way certainly didn't help. But we survived it and it's another of life's lessons learned about people's willingness to take advantage of someone else's tragedy.
I went back home to sleep in my own bed each night and did quite a bit to help Dad plan to funeral -including picking the readings and suggesting Ave Maria - one of Mom's favorite songs. I've kept track of who sent flowers, food, and cards. Dad even mentioned one evening that if I wasn't doing it, it wouldn't get done. I've started the thank-you notes but do not want to send any of them until I have finished with all of them so I don't leave anyone out or write two to the same person. My brother helps when Dad tells him to do something and Dad did reinforce my minimal requests during the funeral week. When he was going right by one place to get to another Dad was sending him, he could certainly stop to drop off pictures for the obituary. You would have thought it was the end of the world but, in the end, he didn't have a choice.
I stayed over the Thursday night of the funeral so that Dad wasn't all by himself all of the sudden on Friday and it also gave me a chance to start sorting through some of Mom's things. I'm starting with the most visible signs of Mom - their shared bathroom counter, their shared double walk-in closet, and the laundry room immediately inside the back door. The drawers has not been sorted in decades and much of what was there were Mom's "copies" of things Dad keeps somewhere else such as putty knives and key holders, etc. He wants to keep the microwave from the late 1970s (it's huge and heavy) since it reminds him of her so the unused trash compactor will stay there to support it. But there is a floor in there and the brooms are in the closet.
Other times, it's simply too hard emotionally to keep going through everything. But I do my best. I have headed back over each Wednesday and spent the night and worked in the house in between various appointments on Wednesday and Thursday. The last time Mom and Dad went out together was to the club and I knew Dad would have a hard time the first time he went back. I knew I would be the designated driver and I was. And it's good for me to see the family friends each week.
We knew she had been working on taxes and I knew it was in Dad's best interest not do an extension since we wanted to get it off his plate and off his mind. I thought I had looked everywhere. We were quite frustrated because we only found a few pieces of tax-related paperwork that came in after she went into the hospital. We knew she had it gathered up somewhere. I found her 2008 envelope of prep materials still on her desk so at least I had something to model from as I found records. And all her 2009 bills were in a folder in her desk. Dad was already in the process of moving files he needed downstairs. The hardest thing about her office is how her various genealogical stacks -all of which mean something- overtake everything else in there.
When we thought we had looked everywhere, I went back to a chair I didn't think she used often in her bedroom because there was another one that was surrounded by her stuff - and found a manilla folder with all her stuff. So we were able to reschedule the meeting with her accountant the next week. Ultimately, I decided to switch to this accountant since we would be spending so much time with him as we put Mom's estate plan into action over the next few months. I like my accountant but they sold out to a bigger firm in another town a few years ago and it just hasn't been the same. Last year, it was a panic to get my tax returns back to me to sign and mail because I was leaving town - something I had clearly stated during our initial meeting. Now that won't be a problem anymore.
There's still a lot to do at the house and lot to help Dad with but I will go back to teaching on Monday. And I'll see if I can focus enough to start grading my online classes. I put notices up when this family emergency occurred and then again after the funeral that grading would take precedence over other course-related tasks. Most emails before this tragedy were asking questions already answered in the course materials they did not want to review again and I imagine most of them now are asking about grades that I don't know anything about since the material hasn't been graded yet. All I can say is I'm doing my best.
There are also some big changes on campus but since I never had much control over them in the first place, there is no reason to let it consume the little time I feel I can concentrate adequately on grading so that I can get some work back to students before they turn in their final assignments. That's my goal at least. This is a semester when I'm glad I am not the primary on-site person for student teachers. They do a lot of online written work and reflection for me - more than they do for most if not all of the other student teacher content supervisors - anyway. And it's also a situation in which I have to see all or none of them and with so many out this semester, it just makes sense to rely on their online work for their Pass or Fail grade. Were it a real letter grade, it might be a different story. But soon they will start giving back classes and it's hard enough to get to all of them even when they are all teaching a full schedule. I had tried to go see a few of them before I left for Newark but they weren't teaching hours I could go see them yet. That actually turned out to be a good thing.
Labels: back to school, death, family, funeral, Mom, student teaching, students
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Patricia L. Woestman, 1938-2010
Losing Mom
They did take Mom off the respirator but it became apparent all too quickly that she would never be able to breathe on her own. Her heart recovered but her lungs never would. They were already quite weak before the heart attack and the eight days on her back with a ventilator didn't help. She was ready to go. We just weren't ready to let her go.
I found this one of the most helpful sites on grief.
And a friend who recently lost her mother sent me a copy of Motherless Daughters.
Family and friends were wonderful. But now the hard part begins - moving forward without her here with us.
I found this one of the most helpful sites on grief.
And a friend who recently lost her mother sent me a copy of Motherless Daughters.
Family and friends were wonderful. But now the hard part begins - moving forward without her here with us.
Labels: Mom
Friday, February 26, 2010
Scary Yesterday
Mom scared us yesterday. We thought she wanted to leave us. We did get the paperwork straightened out on her living will and fixed the communication glitch. By last night, Mom was talking about her inexpensive ring from Paris and then she was saying "Molly THE dog" and I told her I was getting help taking care of her from the neighbor after work and June going by. They did get the breathing tube out but Mom didn't do well just on the nose piece so she had to go to the nose and mouth mask. And it's very uncomfortable.
I went home earlier on Wednesday and had a message that my car title was ready so I went yesterday morning to get it, update the insurance, and go to the tag office. Luckily I found out I didn't have to go to Girard to take care of the tags.
This morning, Dad was able to see her without the mask and talk to her. He said she asking for me. They had a patient issue so the doors were shut when I got here and when I went back the mask was back on. The nurse here last night said we could bring socks and suggested a hairbrush since they only have combs. She did want the socks but they were harder than I thought to put on. And she wanted her hair brushed more than I did initially. Then I let her rest.
Gary Gillum was here when I arrived and took us to lunch at Cracker Barrel. We may go to the Knights of Columbus fish fry tonight - it probably depends on whether or not Dad feels like he can leave or not.
The speech therapist was there when we went in this afternoon. She can't swallow yet without it going into her lungs. They will probably have to put a small tube down her throat for nutrition - that way the rest of her digestive system will still work - and it will help her with her medication. Apparently we're getting close to her moving to her own room but we won't know anything until this afternoon.
And, I've learned not to expect too much.
I went home earlier on Wednesday and had a message that my car title was ready so I went yesterday morning to get it, update the insurance, and go to the tag office. Luckily I found out I didn't have to go to Girard to take care of the tags.
This morning, Dad was able to see her without the mask and talk to her. He said she asking for me. They had a patient issue so the doors were shut when I got here and when I went back the mask was back on. The nurse here last night said we could bring socks and suggested a hairbrush since they only have combs. She did want the socks but they were harder than I thought to put on. And she wanted her hair brushed more than I did initially. Then I let her rest.
Gary Gillum was here when I arrived and took us to lunch at Cracker Barrel. We may go to the Knights of Columbus fish fry tonight - it probably depends on whether or not Dad feels like he can leave or not.
The speech therapist was there when we went in this afternoon. She can't swallow yet without it going into her lungs. They will probably have to put a small tube down her throat for nutrition - that way the rest of her digestive system will still work - and it will help her with her medication. Apparently we're getting close to her moving to her own room but we won't know anything until this afternoon.
And, I've learned not to expect too much.
Labels: brush, heart attack, lungs, Mom, recovery, speech therapist
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Still With Us
The good news is that Mom is still with us. The ear, nose, and throat doctor wasn't available on Sunday and wasn't coming into the hospital on Monday so the nurse took some pre-emptive action to stop the bleeding in her mouth. They discovered it was coming from the tubes in her nose. Smoking also makes the sinuses delicate.
She was partly awake more than once yesterday. It cheered Dad's soul to see her eye's open and have her squeeze his hand and move around. I kept telling her the tubes were temporary. The nurse said that she won't remember the last time she was awake each time she wakes up. And, Marcia told me that based on her experience you know who has come to see you but your are also hallucinating. After her wreck, she thought people were coming to see her in Mexico.
A large group came in last night with another heart attack victim. They were all good people and luckily had mostly well-behaved children in contrast to the other group. I did talk to the Service Excellence Director yesterday about the continuously loud cartoons on both the DVD and the personal DVD player blaring into the room. Given that this is the most critical ICU unit, we need occasional peace and quiet. He stated that no children should be there and even if they had permission, as soon as someone complained, they were gone. We did finally see security more than once yesterday without calling them.
Some of my students took it upon themselves not to show up for class yesterday to turn in their first lesson plans. What their friends forgot to tell them about my notices to the online classes was that although there had been a family emergency, deadlines remained the same. The department secretary even went downstairs to collect their work so they didn't have to walk up to the office but they never showed up. They weren't on the highest road to begin with this semester. I'm certainly not in the mood to suffer fools gladly but it doesn't surprised me that this crew took it upon themselves to make the wrong decision without the wrong information.
Dad finally got some sleep last night - I was certainly getting worried about his not sleeping - esp. when day before yesterday it was too loud in here to even cat nap. I'm hoping to get him out of the hospital at some point today. But I certainly am glad he is sleeping at home and gradually processing the upcoming changes. This morning he was discussing Mom's moving her bed downstairs since obviously going up and down stairs won't be in her repetoire for awhile.
She was partly awake more than once yesterday. It cheered Dad's soul to see her eye's open and have her squeeze his hand and move around. I kept telling her the tubes were temporary. The nurse said that she won't remember the last time she was awake each time she wakes up. And, Marcia told me that based on her experience you know who has come to see you but your are also hallucinating. After her wreck, she thought people were coming to see her in Mexico.
A large group came in last night with another heart attack victim. They were all good people and luckily had mostly well-behaved children in contrast to the other group. I did talk to the Service Excellence Director yesterday about the continuously loud cartoons on both the DVD and the personal DVD player blaring into the room. Given that this is the most critical ICU unit, we need occasional peace and quiet. He stated that no children should be there and even if they had permission, as soon as someone complained, they were gone. We did finally see security more than once yesterday without calling them.
Some of my students took it upon themselves not to show up for class yesterday to turn in their first lesson plans. What their friends forgot to tell them about my notices to the online classes was that although there had been a family emergency, deadlines remained the same. The department secretary even went downstairs to collect their work so they didn't have to walk up to the office but they never showed up. They weren't on the highest road to begin with this semester. I'm certainly not in the mood to suffer fools gladly but it doesn't surprised me that this crew took it upon themselves to make the wrong decision without the wrong information.
Dad finally got some sleep last night - I was certainly getting worried about his not sleeping - esp. when day before yesterday it was too loud in here to even cat nap. I'm hoping to get him out of the hospital at some point today. But I certainly am glad he is sleeping at home and gradually processing the upcoming changes. This morning he was discussing Mom's moving her bed downstairs since obviously going up and down stairs won't be in her repetoire for awhile.
Labels: Dad, heart attack, ICU, Mom, teaching, wating room
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